[this story is satire]

CURTAIN RISES Charlotte and Christian Columbus have driven into the city from their suburban home to deliver an enormous cheese-wheel to a homeless shelter. After being careful to get a receipt for a tax write-off, they walk out to their Cadillac Escalade and prepare to drive home.

Christian: Dammit! The truck won’t start.

Charlotte: Darling, this isn’t a truck, it is a Luxury Sport Utility Vehicle.

Christian: Whatever. It still won’t start.

Charlotte: Well, doesn’t this have some, like, 24 hour computerized roadside emergency 911 towing service telephone or something in the dashboard?

Christian: I don’t know, we just bought it, remember?

Charlotte: What about your cell phone?

Christian: In the rush to get the enormous cheese-wheel to this homeless shelter in order to get a tax write-off, I forgot it. And now I cannot go back into the homeless shelter and ask to use their phone, because they will ridicule me. God I need a Xanax!

Charlotte: I am afraid to go look for a phone, because it is “dark” around here, if you know what I mean.

Christian: Of course I know what you mean; that is why I married you.

(Hours elapse.)

Christian: We are stuck here in this crumbling godforsaken neighborhood known as Petersonville. We are stuck. We are not moving. We are in a state of not-moving.

Charlotte: Yes dear, we are stuck in this neighborhood known as Petersonville, which is crumbling and godforsaken. We are stuck. We are not moving. We are in a state of not-moving.



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