[this is satire] (WASHINGTON) The federal government today announced that it has banned the use of the letter “F” in all broadcast applications. According to President George W. Bush, who signed the bill into law this afternoon, the letter F has “long been the gateway letter to stronger language, language which is usually undecent and inpure (sic).” Attorney General John Ashcroft elaborated at a press conference immediately after the bill was signed by the president: “Usually, on shock radio programs and Comedy Central, you’ll hear a fff sound right before a bleep. Sometimes you’ll hear a ‘k’ after, but that’s not the culprit — it’s really the ‘F’ sound that leads to teen-age pregnancy, abortions, gay marriage, obese children and the breakdown of the American family unit. Now, we can’t control cable yet, but we’re really ready to hit the DJs and that Canadian newsman Peter Jennings.” There are exceptions. “It’s OK to say ‘federal,’ ‘father,’ ‘firearms’ and ‘fundamentalist,’” Ashcroft said. “The congressmen who drafted the bill argued quite a bit about ‘fundamentalist,’” Ashcroft continued with a chuckle. “The word ‘fun’ is OK in a non-sexual context, but there were big worries about that whole ‘F-U’ sound.” As far as the Federal Communications Commission is concerned, changes are afoot there as well. Ashcroft: “We’re changing the name of the Commission to the ‘Ministry of Purity.’ The old abbreviation contained two of the four — excuse me, two plus two — letters in the ‘F’ word. Nobody can make a dirty joke with the acronym ‘MOP,’ now, can they?” As the attorney general struggled to be heard over an increasingly unruly press corps, Ashcroft tried to lessen the blow. “This does not apply to print, folks — unless, of course, the ‘F’ letter is followed by a pound sign or an ‘at’ sign or an asterisk or something. Get my meaning?” The U.S. government is taking the lead in making the law easier to apply. “Now on, federal officers in the DEA or the CIA won’t be called ‘officers’ anymore. ‘Police’ is what we’ll call ’em. Not ‘cops,’ though. You can’t spell ‘copulate’ without ‘cop,’ don’t forget.” The attorney general concluded the briefing with an attempt at reassurance. ‘We’re all in the same boat, here — I’ve even had to change my last name. Now on, you’re going to have to spell it A-S-H-C-R-O-P-H-T.” Wank & O’Brien “F” around every weekday morning on RadioNow, 93.1.

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