[this article is satire] Top 10 entries With the great success of the U.S. Mint’s production of quarters in honor of each of America’s 50 states, the Treasury Department has embarked on a new venture to carry the program on to that most revered of our nation’s currencies, the $1 bill. Following years of research and public input from citizens of each state, the U.S. Department of Treasury is proud to announce the following first 12 winning designs, which will have not only a specialized panorama of each state’s notable features or historic moment on the reverse side, but also an engraved portrait on the front of that state’s most revered public figure. FLORIDA Back: Shows graphic scene of first kid to vomit after winning the prized “all you can eat pizza and continuous Epcot coaster ride.” Front: Portrait of Jeb Bush or Goofy. (Likenesses are interchangeable.) IDAHO Back: Photocopy of book burning bonfire at the annual White People’s Aryan Heritage weenie roast. Front: Portrait of Mr. Potato Head. INDIANA Back: Pictorial history “The many noses of Michael Jackson.” Front: Michael Jackson baby picture. KENTUCKY Back: “Our state family tree.” (wide trunk/no branches). Front: Portrait of Colonel Sanders wearing his famous “Pluck you!” button. NEW YORK Back: Drawing of the Rev. Al Sharpton and Hillary Clinton walking hand in hand and waving at the “Kiss Me, I’m Jewish!” Eighth Avenue parade. Front: Portrait of Howard Stern in mouth muzzle. NEW JERSEY Back: Show governor receiving awards from the producers of both Cops and America’s Most Wanted for the state having the most episodes shot. Front: 1902 portrait of Cleophus Washington Scarpinnelli (the first African-American Mafia hit man). OHIO Back: Show historic — but less-than-successful — Wright brothers’ first effort “rocket blimp.” Front: “Compromising” secret photo portrait of Wendy’s Dave Thomas dressed as Ronald McDonald at Taco Bell drive-thru. TEXAS Back: Show artwork of thousands of heavily used Enron paper shredders that were, themselves, melted down to form Houston’s newest landmark, the 10,000 foot “Tower of Leaning Stock Options.” Front: Show George W. Bush photo at his 1967 Texas Air National Guard “medal of valor” ceremony. (This picture, we are told, has yet to be manufactured.) UTAH Back: Stirring recreation of the first Mormon-Jehovah’s Witness door-to-door evangelists’ gang fight. Front: Marie Osmond as Ozzy Ozbourne. WISCONSIN Back: Memorial depiction honoring thousands of Packers fans who perished in tragic “cheese head melt down” on rare 105 degree day at Milwaukee County Stadium. Front: 1869 portrait of Gastacious Schlitz (inventor of the beer fart).

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