[this story is satire] In the spirit of last week’s cleansing, we here at NUVO would like to continue to clarify, if not downright retract, some recent stories we’ve published. Again, our only defense is that we were swept away by our local competitors’ participation in the so-called “Sweeps” process, whereby the most exciting, earth-shattering exposés are brought to light. The following stories are ones we regret having printed. Clarification is stated where needed.
• Our story last week on a local clinic that offers vasectomies without the use of a scalpel does not, as our reporter stated, “just kick guys in the balls.” The reporter in question, Dale Bumperknickel, is coming off a rather nasty divorce settlement, and while we’d like to think our reporters don’t bring their personal feelings into their stories, every once in a while, you do have to wonder. In the case of Bumperknickel, he has been temporarily assigned to the sports desk, where he can concentrate on fun stuff.
• Speaking of reporters we shouldn’t have sent to do a particular story: Joe Lamarck should not have been sent to the Darwin retrospective at IUPUI, Sue Noseboil shouldn’t have covered the trial of a local cosmetic surgeon and Phil Joseph probably couldn’t be completely objective in writing a feature story on people who have two first names. We have admonished our editors to be more careful in selecting writers.
• Our story last week about the consolidation of media into one giant conglomerate erroneously stated that “there’s just one guy who owns everything, everything, man, and everybody else is just a puppet.” While it is true that the recent FCC decision dissolves certain parameters regarding media ownership, it does not mean that the three guys who actually do own every media entity in the world are going to buy each other out or even kill each other. So don’t you worry about a thing.
• We sure wish we hadn’t printed an editorial by a writer who speculated that during Cheney’s last heart attack, doctors simply removed the organ and that’s why “compassionate conservatism” is so mean to poor people. The truth is we thought we’d pulled the story, but the writer cleverly intervened, sending his own page to our printer. That writer is now working in our investigation division.
• Finally, we apologize in advance for a story we’re running this week on a basketball team from Northern Indiana that we called the North Pakoota Cannibals. They are in fact called the North Pakoota Cannabis, but given our paper’s staunch, anti-marijuana spell-check software, “cannabis” turned into “cannibals.” The writer of the story, Dale Bumperknickel, took the spell-checked school title and wrote a story that pertained toward the inaccurate moniker. Unfortunately, that approach created a few mistakes, most notably, Bumperknickel’s assertion that the North Pakoota Cannibals’ basketball team, when it wins, eats the losing squad.