[this is satire] Over the past few weeks, President Bush has returned to his compassionate conservative roots, a phrase he intoned in his first campaign for the presidency. Domestic issues have formed the recent core of his policy initiatives, ranging from health care concerns to the encouragement of marriage. Swept away by the moving rhetoric of the president’s State of the Union address, most pundits overlooked an important 17-word statement by Bush: “And as we look to the heavens, let’s compel a marriage between the planets Venus and Mars.”
This policy initiative has puzzled some in the administration, who spoke on anonymity. These political insiders believe that Bush’s plan to wed the planets Venus and Mars is fraught with complications. “For one thing,” one official pointed out, “there is the logistical difficulty of getting these two planets to connect out there in space.”
Bush spokesperson Harold Forkedtongue addressed this particular issue with reporters the day after Bush’s speech: “The president realizes that the two planets’ orbits intersect only once every trillion years. However, what is important to understand is the grand scope of President Bush’s vision. Even though he may not be around to actually witness the wedding, he’s content to know he got the wedding ball rolling.”
The anonymous official groaned, recalling Forkedtongue’s remarks. “I mean, my God, how do we even know what gender these planets are? Popular lore has it that Mars is male and Venus is female, but what if we’re wrong? Think of the implications if both planets are male — or both are female.”
The official continued, raising this point: “Who’s going to officiate at such a ceremony? Probably only the pope himself has the credibility to marry planets.”
Still another Bush underling was concerned that our own moon would be called into question. “Here we’ve got a clearly unmarried planet — Earth — with an offspring orb. People are going to think the moon is a bastard, out-of-wedlock satellite. Somehow, I don’t think the president thought through the ramifications of his interplanetary wedding proposal.”
Forkedtongue anticipated this particular charge in his remarks when he told the assembled press that Bush has always “believed that the moon was made by God himself while practicing making larger works like Earth and Mars and Venus. Moon is not a baby, but a planet prototype. Once God was done, he just let it remain, circling its owner like a faithful pet.”
Bush promises to expand upon his plan to marry Mars and Venus in the near future.