[this is satire]

Doctors from the IUPUI campus shocked Indianapolis today with their findings that the Butler Bulldog mascot is in fact not a mascot but a real, albeit mutated, animal. Recently, the Butler Bulldog was named in a lawsuit filed by Chipper, the RCA mascot, about an altercation at Victory Field last summer that left Chipper badly injured.

IUPUI’s head of internal medicine, Dr. Brian Wash, told reporters that “Butler Bulldog is the real, organic offspring of an unnamed, human woman and the former mascot for a now-defunct university in Nebraska.”

According to Butler University spokesperson Al B. Matters, in 1981, the Lincoln University Labradors football team “came to Indy to battle with the Fountain Square University Tigers.” At that time in the early ’80s, a large, progressive university was situated in the neighborhood of Fountain Square.

Said Matters, “A young woman from the Fountain Square neighborhood fell in love with the giant Labrador mascot for the Lincoln team and the two caused a minor scandal by running off together.”

A sister of the woman, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said “Francis — I mean, my unnamed sister — just loved that big hunk of a Lab. Once they ran off, she’d call me from the road. She kept complaining that he wouldn’t never take off his costume. One phone call, she broke down crying, saying he was out catting around, and she meant it literally. Chasing cats. She began to wonder if he was even human.”

The unnamed woman eventually returned to her family in Fountain Square, five months pregnant. The offspring she gave birth to is, according to this new evidence, the Butler Bulldog. IUPUI researchers subjected the Butler mascot to various tests before revealing the truth that, as Dr. Wash put it, “There’s nobody in there.”

What impact this all has upon the existing lawsuit is unknown as Chipper’s attorney could not be reached for comment.

In yet another twist, however, a young nurse assigned to help care for the Butler Bulldog helped him escape from the hospital last night. The whereabouts of the two are unknown at this time.

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