A statue in a small town in Indiana has become the focal point of national media attention. This 8-foot-tall depiction of Venus de Milo is located in the atrium of the Student Bursar Building at Deloyal College in Bedrocksville. Deloyal College, in existence since 1926, is a small college specializing in undergraduate degrees in palliative nursing, infant car seat technology and Bigfoot folklore. The statue at the center of the controversy is bare-breasted.
The president of the college, Randy Tightassle, issued a proclamation last week that required the statue "be appropriately clothed in a manner befitting the wants and desires of the students, faculty and community members."
President Tightassle authorized the draping of a purple shawl around the statue to obscure its offending area. That night, however, a vandal or vandals entered the atrium and tore the shawl from the statue. Graffiti was sprayed upon the figure; then, key lime pies were hurled at its face, smearing and sliming it from head to toe.
Officials then dispatched longtime custodian at the college Ralph "Dale" Deckard to do the cleaning. To everyone's surprise, Deckard, in the midst of washing Venus de Milo, became enamored with the statue and began, according to an unnamed official, "to rub himself up against her ... in a suggestive manner."
When admonished for his behavior, Deckard pulled a handgun from his pocket and began waving it around the room. "This here's my baby," he cried. "You can't take her away from me."
Joining the fray at this point were members of the college police force as well as masked vandals, presumably the ones who threw pies at the statue.
In the ensuing scuffle and subsequent shoot-out, the Venus de Milo crashed to the floor, trapping President Tightassle, a masked vandal and Ralph Deckard in what one official called a "compromising composition; to be honest, it's looks really gay to me."
A prayer vigil has been established outside the buildings, where feeding tubes snake through the front doors, culminating in the mouths of the trapped men who slurp hungrily at the sustenance as if sucking on straws.