Egor S. Grand Jr.

[this is satire]

Chicago, 2010. The state that was once known as Indiana was officially dissolved today as no one actually resided there anymore. For some, the dissolution was a predictable outcome of the demise of Eli Lilly Pharmaceutical Company, though no one could have predicted the severity and speed with which Indiana collapsed.

"House of Hoosier cards," remarked one man, his car piled high with possessions, as he drove into Illinois. "That's all it was."

It was late in 2004 when documents surfaced that linked Prozac to statistically significant incidents of suicide, a fact the drug company had allegedly hid from the public for 15 years. By late 2005, the number of lawsuits levied against the company had overwhelmed its coffers. In a last-ditch effort to survive, Lilly secretly dissolved tons of Prozac into the country's waterways, hoping that plaintiffs would drink the water and decide to say, "What the heck, I'm not going to sue."

Indeed, a few plaintiffs did get all mellow there for a while, but another handful became violent and began driving large vehicles into crowds of innocent passersby, thereby raising questions about Prozac all over again.

Soon after, Lilly's CEO and army of vice presidents left for off-shore shelters and beaches. With the largesse of Lilly out of the picture, Indianapolis fell, crumbling into disarray as the Midwestern city had long relied upon the pharmaceutical giant to provide that greatest drug of all: money.

The rest of the state soon fell as well. Toward the end, Gov. Mitch Daniels asked first Ohio then Kentucky to annex Indiana and absorb its tired-ass self, but both states refused as the state's environment had become bereft - its water, soil and air irreversibly contaminated. Daniels considered asking Illinois and Michigan but as they were blue states, he declined.

In the end, Daniels sold the state to a company who poured asphalt over the entire expanse, turning the former 19th state into a giant interstate highway that was dubbed "I-69 Squared" by all who drove through.

The state will be remembered fondly by many, except for those who thought it sucked.

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