A tragedy The scene is Indianapolis, but it looks sort of like ancient Athens. Syphilis is lounging on a stone fainting couch and Aphrodite is feeding him grapes. The hunchbacked servant Chancre enters with a 40-ounce that he presents to Syphilis. Syphilis (takes a long swig from the bottle, then belches): Ah, thank you, hunchback servant Chancre. That beer hits the spot. (Chancre exits.) Aphrodite, my darling, you make me so hot. I mean, like, really hot. I need some of your sweet sugar, baby. Aphrodite: Only if you wear a sheath over your member. I must tell you, Syphilis, you are unsightly and I fear you may be sick. Syphilis: Oh, baby, I hate to wear those sheaths. Aphrodite: Then I am afraid you will have to look elsewhere for your carnal pleasures. Adieu! Syphilis: Ungrateful wench! (Aphrodite exits. Chancre enters.) Chancre: Sire, there is a man here to see you. Syphilis: See him in, you hunchbacked servant! (Chancre exits. Hippocrates enters. He looks like C. Everett Koop.) Syphilis: What"s up, doc? Hippocrates: Syphilis, I need to level with you. You have been having your way with all the maidens and you have not been wearing a sheath and now half of the town is infected by you. You must end this behavior or I ... I ... I will murder you! Syphilis: Ha! You murder me? Hahahahahahahahaha! (He adjusts the wreath of Treponema pallidum bacteria on his head.) You and whose army? (Hippocrates produces a dagger that has been dipped in penicillin and stabs Syphilis in the heart.) Syphilis (in death throes): Oh! Had I only recognized that warning sign, when Chancre started hanging around me! And that stupid wreath of bacteria on my head! Had I only followed Aphrodite"s advice and worn a sheath upon my member! Citizens! Do not be like me ... (he dies). THE END

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