Hyperfun? Hyperfabulous

[this story is satire] Jim Walker

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[this story is satire]

Andy and Betty Appier stand in their Bermuda shorts and wide-brimmed hats — the kind with the green plastic visors for the sun — looking, looking from freshly painted bridge. What these visitors from the suburbs see is a dry river that never flowed with water, a river with a bed of cement instead of mud, a river that was once a rapid flow of traffic now just trickling past in a stream.

“This is better than Brown County in October,” Andy says, staring through his binoculars at burley construction workers busting up asphalt on I-65 southbound. “We heard so much about this Hyperfix that we planned a trip special to come over here all the way from Fortville.”

Betty sips her decaffeinated ice tea from a can. “Is this going to be one of those ‘creative’ type stories full of meaningless details like what I’m drinking?” she asks.

Andy and Betty are far from alone on this, the Bates Street Bridge. Each day, dozens of Hyperfix tourists pull to the side of a downtown overpass, switch the hazard lights on their customized Club Wagon vans and soak in the sites and sounds of a superhighway undergoing major surgery.

“I saw them paint that other bridge blue,” says Mitch Mooney, who brought his whole family from Westfield in their Dodge Dakota. This trip downtown was special as it was the first time they’d ever left the highway.

“It’s really something,” Mitch’s wife, Renee, said of the construction. “It’s like they’re tearing down a regular Wal-Mart and replacing it with a Super Wal-Mart.”

City tourism statistics indicate that Hyperfix has brought a boost in downtown visits since its November inception, a surprising trend. “This is even bigger than the Artsgarden,” a spokesperson wearing little plastic eyeglasses said.

The same official — who I’m not even going to make up a fake name for at this point — also noted that all of the Hyperfix excitement has Cultural Trail planners considering finding a way to include it on the loop. “Indianapolis is a city on the move and what says that better than Hyperfix?” the official said. “Ours is a culture on wheels. And these husky road workers are the sculptures of our transportation future.”

Andy Appier couldn’t agree more. “This construction is a work of art,” he said. “Like the Leaning Tower of Pisa except all smashed up by mammoth machines hell bent on destruction.”

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