Egor S. Grand

[this is satire]

On his first week on the job, Governor Ditch Maniels made a number of executive orders. Foremost on his mind was convincing environmental officials that their number one job was to make Indiana friendly to business.

He accused environmental administrators of being "weenie-ass tree-huggers [more] intent on coddling rivers and forests and air than putting dollars first."

Maniels told the gathering of soon-to-be-ex-administrators that "corporations don't want to come to Indiana because of all your rules and regulations. I'm surprised you didn't try and stop me from driving around the state in my RV."

One IDEM official raised his hand and meekly suggested to the governor that he had traveled some 700,000 miles in a vehicle that "got negative miles to the gallon," and that Maniels had single-handedly managed to "deplete world oil reserves by a double—digit percentage."

That official was escorted from the room before Maniels continued. "As I was saying, think of the children. Do you want our children to live in a state that is unfriendly to business?"

At that point, one of the environmentalists presented a Hoosier child who goes by the name of "Three-Eyed Mickey." According to the official, Three-Eyed Mickey had grown up playing in the White River and had developed, by his fourteenth birthday, various oddities, including an extra eye, three extra thumbs, an ear growing out of his right thigh, and an additional pancreas that resides outside the boy's body.

Maniels looked at the boy and said. "I'll bet Mickey thinks it's neat having all that extra stuff, don't you, Mickey?"

The boy attempted to speak but it turned out he had two tongues and so his words were indecipherable.

The official and the mutated child were then led from the room.


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