On Aug. 22, God® magnate Pat Robertson — fearing that Venezuela had become “a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism” — called for the assassination of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. However, a copy of Robertson’s day planner — obtained by NUVO after a bidding war with the National Enquirer and New York Times — warns that Chavez may not be in select company.

July 11: You gotta be shitting me. Is CBS really trying to reunite INXS? That’s just irresponsible. Besides, didn’t we already off one of those guys? Note to self: finish the job.

July 17: “Sleep with your preacher or else the terrorists win.” Get these bumper stickers printed ASAP before Jim Bakker beats me to the punch. Oh, the gardener’s bill came due today. Rest in peace Jose. As if.

July 28: OK, I’ll say it: Jessica Simpson has a fine ass, but it’s undermining the fine family values in that Dukes movie. We can’t have our moonshiners sullied by some young thing’s tail. Ex-nay on the boo-tay. Dead can walking.

Aug. 2: Been thinking I might need a nickname. See if the office staff will start calling me Texas. When people ask why, tell them, “Cuz you don’t mess with Texas.” If they don’t cooperate … kaboom!

Aug. 16: Is it just me or have The Simpsons become a hotbed of extreme mediocrity and a launching pad for, um, extreme mediocrity. Consider them erased.

August 24: Boy, that Hugo Chavez bit bombed. Jesus, if they can’t take a joke … screw ’em. Or kill ’em, whatever. God this is a great job.

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