[this is satire] For all the popularity of football, especially as the final two gladiators head to the Super Bowl (though unfortunately not our Colts), there is a sizable population who comes reluctantly to the sport, if at all. A recent local study has revealed a common theme among those who disdain football. “You can’t see their faces,” remarked Alice Enchanze, a real estate agent in Fishers. “Those helmet things completely cover their heads.”
Indianapolis carpenter Dale DeGupnik agrees. “There are even players who wear some kind of outlaw-type scarf covering their mouths and noses. OK. That may intimidate the other line players, but for us folks at home, it’s like, ‘Who is that guy?’”
Galloping Polls, the source of the recent study, showed that of the 60 percent who don’t like football because of the lack of faces, some 38 percent of those are more than 50 percent likely to think faces are 60-65 percent of a person’s main characteristic.
Hal Hunmunsen, director of percentology at Galloping Polls, explained his methodology for the study. “Well, basically, I run after people, or, rather, gallop, as it were, and shout questions at them, writing everything down on my clipboard, until, well, all the little boxes are checked. I love checking boxes.”
This problem has long plagued the NFL. It turns out that a call to Human Resources at the NFL will eventually lead you to Sharon Pokeepsie-Po, head of the Office of Helmet Eradication (OHE). “For years, we’ve tried to figure out how to get rid of the helmet,” Pokeepsie-Po told us.
“Short of subjecting the players to certain concussion or even death, we’ve tried a variety of approaches. One, what we call the hologram effect, which is that the players have a little screen in front of their helmets. A cranial synaptic neuro-projector sends their facial expressions to the screen, where everyone can see their reactions.”
The cost of this technology, however, is prohibitive, according to OHE documents. “Another approach,” Pokeepsie-Po continued, “is to place parade float masks on the players. Each football player has their own giant reinforced papier mâché head placed on their shoulders. It comes complete with a complex but doable set of pulleys that can shift the expression of the parade float face to a variety of countenances.”
The downside to this approach, admitted Pokeepsie-Po, is that “Players can simply lie about what they’re feeling. A really angry football player can use the pulleys to smile, but that would be disingenuous.” The “Parade Float” plan is expensive, according to OHE, but less so than the hologram approach.
Whatever the NFL decides, it, armed with Galloping Polls’ recent results, is sure to increase its already substantial support among the viewing public.