NUVO staff Dale Smegma, 56
Dale Smegma, born and raised in Fishers, Ind., led a fruitful and extraordinary life. Though there"s little evidence that he actually accomplished anything. Friends are adamant that the self-acknowledged "couch potato" was a gifted, if misunderstood, person. In his early years, Smegma logged thousands of hours in front of the television, catching every episode of his favorite programs, which reportedly numbered in the dozens. Though a C-student throughout high school, Smegma nevertheless persevered, matriculating for one entire semester at a local technical college. One close friend, who refused to be identified, noted that Smegma dropped out of the college "because there was nothing in the curriculum that interested him." Instead, Smegma went to work, first as a security official, where he could watch TV constantly in his booth, and then as a nursing home orderly, where he spent most of his shift watching TV in the dayroom. One former colleague, a nurse, noted that "Smegma could actually often be found watching TV in the patients" rooms. I always thought that was nice of him, I mean, there"s a measure of comfort in that." After being released from that employment, Smegma reached the pinnacle of his long succession of jobs with a stint at Channel 66, where he worked in the engineering room. There, he could watch any number of monitors while he cleaned the floor and tidied up the area. Outside of work, Smegma was active in various organizations, including a group dedicated to overturning the cancellation of Starsky and Hutch, as well as an organization that lobbied for the invention of a remote switcher that could also make one"s dog or child get out of the way of the TV screen. He is survived by his two TVs: a 20-inch 2002 Toshiba with multi-screen capability and an 18-inch 1999 Sony that also served as his Game Cube playground. Antennae now offers a Faux-bituary service for those willing to pay through the nose to honor lost loved ones. Contact us at email@example.com.