[this is satire] Many citizens around the state are familiar with the diversity of events that are held each week at the Indiana State Fairgrounds. That diversity, however, turned horrifying this past weekend, as a series of tragic events transformed the normally peaceful Fairgrounds into a chaotic miasma. According to ISF spokesperson I.M. Mouth, the concatenation began in the Southwest Pavilion, site of the Midwest Reptile Show. Local resident Daryl “Stumblebum” Dewey, aged 6, accidentally bumped into the large aquarium that houses rattlesnakes, sending it crashing to the floor. The rattlesnakes, numbering at least six, quickly scattered throughout the Southwest Pavilion, freeing many of their caged fellow reptiles before escaping. Reportedly, at least two snakes entered the Marsh Blue Ribbon Pavilion, upsetting the Hoosier Heartland Spring Classic Cattle Show. The cattle, terrified by the appearance of the rattlesnakes, bolted and ran, breaking through the MBRP and into the Fairgrounds. At that point, Mouth told reporters, “The cattle ran smack into a phalanx of frogs,” who began croaking at them “in a menacing manner.” The cattle stampeded into the West Pavilion where the Knife & Gun show was being held. Breaking into the displays — and frightening the humans — the cattle armed themselves with, according to Mouth, “a virtual arsenal of weaponry,” then left the West Pavilion in search of “anything resembling a reptile.” Meanwhile, the reptiles, having been alerted that cows were now “packing heat,” broke into the Souped-Up Car and Motorcycle show, housed in the South Pavilion. There, they entered various vehicles and within moments had successfully hot-wired them. They then drove out of the South Pavilion headed directly toward the cattle. “An imminent disaster was prevented,” Mouth said, “when a stuffed teddy bear from the Mt. Delight Animatronic Stuffed Teddy Bear show ambled out of his display in the Farm Bureau Building and into the middle of the fray.” The armed cattle and the revving reptiles stopped, “staring at the irresistibly cute teddy bear, then turned their attention toward the poor little bugger.” Mouth paused before finishing: “It was carnage, with stuffing and little wires and whatnot, but darned if that little bear didn’t prevent an even larger disaster.” State Fairgrounds officials promise heightened security at all upcoming shows. The city will conduct a juried competition to choose a Herron faculty member to create a memorial to the fallen bruin.