Hooray for Gerard! [this is satire]

by Rocky the Diabolical Cat™

I was meditating in my basement bachelor pad when Ikey the Cat paid a visit.

“When are you leaving for your Italian exile, master Rocky?” he asked.

“In a few weeks,” I replied. “Will things be OK with the Feline Front while I’m gone, protégé Ikey?”

“Yes! We now have a secret weapon!” he replied gleefully. “Come out to the patio and I’ll introduce you to him. He’s intense! I met him over at Peppy Grill.”

On the patio I saw an old, bedraggled unicorn in a rumpled raincoat, a cigarette hanging from his lip. “Hi pal, I’m Gerard,” he said between coughs.

Goodness, I thought to myself: Peter Falk as Columbo as a unicorn!

“Er, hello, Gerard,” I said with a tone of uncertainty in my voice.

“Master Rocky, I’m sure you’re wondering what Gerard will do with the Feline Front,” Ikey said. “Let’s go for a walk and he’ll show you.”

We strolled down to the corner and spotted an Ashcroft Youth milling about in front of a used car lot. Gerard walked over to the young fascist. “Hi pal, got a light for an old unicorn?” he asked, putting a cigarette between his lips.

“Sure, old unicorn,” the blight upon society replied. As the teen reached into his jacket for his lighter, Gerard poked him forcefully with his horn and sent him flying. The Ashcroft Youth landed in a trash bin by the curb and began sobbing.

“Hooray for Gerard the Unicorn!” I cried.

“Yes, he’s a bad*** m***********’ s**********!” Ikey exclaimed.*

“Gerard,” I said, patting the unicorn on the back, “welcome to the Feline Front, as a non-feline honorary member, of course!”

"Thanks pal," Gerard replied. "Say pal, can I borrow a 10-spot ’til tomorrow?

* The editors are saddened by the backsliding of Ikey to his former vulgar ways.


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