One-Sin-One Vote for Catholic Passengers

[this is satire]

Long lines at airports include voters waiting to confess before flying. Homeland Security Advisory System has constructed confessionals at airports and issued a color-coded sin advisory system for Catholics who vote for pro-choice politicians. Federal funds from the nation’s faith-based initiatives are used as an incentive for priests to hold confessions in airports. After confession, priests will issue color-coded, penance-based boarding passes.

Voting is currently not listed as one of the seven deadly sins; however, Catholics hope for a clear understanding of how to confess after voting for pro-choice politicians. According to the catechism, sins are evaluated according to their gravity. Voting is either a mortal or venial sin, or both.

Color codes for the Sin Advisory System only resemble Homeland Security’s color-coded threat advisory colors. Additional colors have been added to get at the issue of those who have been resolved, but whose names remain on a list of voters supporting other issues, such as stem cell research and euthanasia.

Red Repentant Pass: Voter has been determined to be unrepentant and should not be allowed to fly; passengers issued a red pass are likely to vote (sin) again.

Pink Repentant Pass: Voter has been determined to lean toward repenting and may fly sometime, perhaps in the future, at the discretion of the pilot; passengers issued a pink pass are likely to be unduly influenced by science and may sin again.

Virgin Blue Repentant Pass: Voter is married to a guilty voter and will only be allowed a one-way flight; individuals issued a blue pass are on a slippery slope if receiving Communion with a spouse who may be in a state of sin; passenger may not have made a full confession; priest cannot guarantee votes can be absolved.

White Repentant Pass: Passenger is truly sorry to have voted; passengers are issued a white pass in return for accepting assistance from the priest. Passenger registers as a Republican before flying.

Due to long lines at the airports, the Transportation Security Administration encourages priests to prevent further delays by allowing passengers to complete penance after boarding. Seated passengers will be given an emergency color-coded penance chart with instructions to match pink repentant passes with the correct corresponding pink penance, and so on.

Enjoy your flight.

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