CDC: Americans unfit for gulag

[this story is satire] Staff Report

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[this story is satire]

A study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control has concluded that the majority of adult Americans are unfit for work in a gulag. “Obesity, back problems, diseases of the major organs, personality disorders — these factors would make most adult Americans unfit for classic gulag work, such as breaking stones with a sledgehammer or aimlessly moving wheelbarrows full of rocks from place to place,” said Dr. Fred Germ, principal author of the study. The CDC’s findings have left the Justice Department scrambling for an effective way to deal with dissidents, loudmouths and rabble-rousers. A previous proposal, consisting of an excruciating daily regime of forced reading of amateur online book and CD reviews, was abandoned after vigorous protests from human rights groups.

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