Egor S. Grand

Christians for a Moral Planet (CMP) held a press conference yesterday to express outrage regarding the recent, catastrophic earthquake. Executive spokesman for CMP, Jesus H. Roller, brought giant visual aids into the room, describing for reporters the origin of the earthquake that has left tens of thousands dead.

"The plates of the earth," Roller said, using a pointer to direct reporters' focus, "rub against each other right here in this crack area. The more these plates rub against each other the more friction they create."

Roller held up his pointer, gripping it with obvious emotion.

"The friction builds to a point where the tension has to be released," he said, his face growing red. "That's when the earthquake happened, and that's why so many people died.

"It is," he continued, "the largest release the earth has known in decades. Why was this allowed to happen?"

Roller went on to describe the mission of CMP, which includes a major outreach education initiative to "illuminate to the world that this friction and release activity the planet engages in will not be tolerated. If it is even more will die."

Roller suggested that advocates and acolytes, poised on the major faultlines across the planet, could read from the Bible and other holy works.

"The most important thing," Roller advised, "is for the earth to put friction and release out of its mind once and forever. Now, if the Earth wants to marry the planet Venus, and the union takes place in a sanctioned, sacred ceremony, then friction and release with Venus is fine."

Roller finished by cautioning that "if Earth wants to marry Mars, however, it better think twice."

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