[this is satire] The city leaders of Carmel have expressed a desire to expand the city, and become recognized as more than a suburb of Indianapolis. In an effort to further this goal, the leaders have begun plans to buy more land in the surrounding Carmel area. However, the Mayor’s Office, ever outspoken and forward thinking, has been searching for faster and more complete ways of accomplishing this goal. After much discussion, the City Council decided that what was really required was a full-scale “Viking-style” attack on Westfield and points farther. Mighty Tim the Taupe In response to this more aggressive tactic, Tim Featherball, town deputy assistant manager to the associate city controller, has changed his name to “Mighty Tim the Taupe.” Mighty Tim has begun planning the attack from his real estate office on Range Line Road. Saturday morning, the following letter was read by Heather Ladelfelder, who is presently Mighty Tim’s managing executive assistant in charge of office management. (It should be noted that Heather Ladelfelder, now to be called “Heather of Range Line,” was wearing a tasteful City DKNY Two Button Suit and black Diesel® “Rita” boots.) “Commencing two weeks hence, a fleet of specially prepared Cadillac, Lexus, BMW and Hummer SUVs will be assembled on the front lawn of City Hall, in preparation for troop deployments to lands directly west. To establish supply lines for our troops, weeks ago we had secret scouts, posing as soccer coaches, map and load the GPS coordinates of Starbucks, and any of the few fashionable bistros and delis that exist in the hostile territories. We will roll into Westfield, Zionsville and any town we darn well please. Once there, we will impress upon the lower masses that we are ones with superior moral standing and intellect. If they do not immediately succumb to our show of force, we will begin to disrupt cable TV, cellular phone service and curbside recycling. Mail delivery will be late, lawn care service will be stopped and the Internet will be flooded with evil viruses. They will bend to our ways, or find themselves lying in their untreated, dandelion-infested lawns, while grubs eat into their eyeballs. Dog feces will pile up on their grass until bile spews out of their ulcer-ridden stomachs.” Heather of Range Line adjusted her FreudenHaus glasses and continued. “And such, Mighty Tim hath spoken. Propagate the word to those who dare to defy us. Tomorrow Westfield, next week Zionsville, Cicero. Kokomo is but two months away. Now if you’ll excuse me, my chamomile tea is ready.”

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