Egor S. Grand

Anonymous sources no longer close to the White House speculated yesterday that John R. Bolton had bullied President Bush into naming him ambassador to the United Nations. These sources say that the "juggernaut personality" of Bolton forced the normally resilient and steadfast leader to make a decision he didn't want to make. While Bush's public persona has revealed nothing but support, officials say that behind the scenes George W. Bush is intimidated and even afraid of the irascible Bolton.

"I think Bush caved," said one anonymous source, who spoke only on the condition that his identity would be shrouded until the end of time.

Another source claimed that he/she had once seen Bush "running from the Oval Office in tears with a red-faced, angry Bolton shaking a fist after him."

"That Bolton," said a third source, "could shake Darth Vader himself to his bones."

"Darth Vader" is of course the nickname - among exiled and frightened anonymous sources - for Vice President Dick Cheney.

In a White House known for its, in the words of one source, "cadre of mean mo-fos," Bolton stands "heads and shoulders above the rest."

"No wonder Bush caved," said the second source, whose identity is still being protected in this article. "He figured that if he appointed Bolton to the UN, he'd end up away from the White House."

It seems only Karl Rove has bested Bolton on the "mean meter," a measuring device that White House employees planted around the building.

"They got into an argument one day," recalled one source, "that sent everyone, including Cheney and Bush, fleeing to an undisclosed location. When we finally returned, we found both men in the library, staring each other down."

It took 38 hours for one of the men to relent: Bolton. Rove, triumphant, thrust his arms into the air in a symbol of victory. At that point, claimed the source, Bolton "sucker-punched him in the belly. It was awesome."

The White House denies this along with any story that casts it in a negative light. -


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