[this article is satire] “What i’ve learned about women” Let’s say we count age 18 as the year in which a boy, a mannish boy, whatever, becomes a so-called “bachelor.” In that case, I have enjoyed both a brief period of youthful bachelorhood — age 18 through 23 — and then a prolonged, more “mature” period of bachelorhood: age 31 through now, 45. Of course, the terms “mature” and “bachelorhood” are by their very nature opposites. It’s more accurate to say that I’ve been without rational female supervision for the past 14 years. That is not to say, however, that I have been without the company of females. Oh yes, I have known many women, and what I’ve learned about them would nearly fill a thimble. What I do know, I’ll share with you now. Women use 99.4 percent of the toilet paper manufactured on earth. OK, it’s obvious that women need TP for both No. 1 and No. 2, and that would account for a lot of the disparity, but the point is that women use toilet paper for things men never even dreamed of. Toilet paper is to women what duct tape is to men. Ever notice how toilet paper commercials are always aimed at women? That’s because they use an average of one full roll per day as opposed to the few lousy squares used by males. The same is even more true in the case of cotton balls, 100 percent of which are purchased by women. No one outside the sisterhood really knows what cotton balls are used for. I even knew a woman who had BLUE cotton balls. Maybe they eat these wads of cotton for the fiber; I don’t know. It’s almost freakish. So, this represents the foundation of knowledge I have regarding women. I hope it has been helpful.

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