INDY'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE NEWSPAPER HIGHLIGHTING ARTS, ENTERTAINMENT AND SOCIAL JUSTICE

The battle for Carmel

I come before you to discuss a grave crisis affecting all of us in Central Indiana, namely, the matter of Carmel. While we may have waited too long to take action, surely none of us can deny the urgent need to act swiftly and decisively now, before the situation further deteriorates.

For years, those of us in Indianapolis have lived in the shadow of Carmel, which sits on our northern border. We are a peace-loving people and war does not come naturally to us. But, once provoked, we can and will respond.

I am here to outline a bold new aggressive posture towards Carmel, one which will eliminate their terrorist actions and which will once again allow all of Central Indiana to live in peace.

You may recall that the authorities in Carmel have now deputized their obese housewives as law enforcement officers. In between devouring Cinnabons, these housewives are pointing radar guns at vehicles and writing down their license plate numbers.

This, in itself, is a direct violation of the treaties we currently have with the Peoples’ Republic of Carmel. But, unfortunately, their aggressive actions do not end there.

Some time ago, the parliament of Carmel voted to seize 8.3 miles of Southwest Clay, a peaceful region that has maintained official neutrality for hundreds of years. This action came with no provocation and with the threat of force.

But the freedom-loving people of Southwest Clay rebelled against becoming part of Carmel, and a brave judge last week supported their effort at remaining independent. This was a victory for freedom.

The regime in Carmel, however, vows that they will annex Southwest Clay. This kind of aggression cannot stand.

And we know that the Carmel regime has other plans for expansion, plans that could one day result in all of us living under Carmel’s control.

This would be a disaster of epic proportions. Once our cruel Carmel overlords have taken control of Indianapolis, our way of life would be destroyed. We would be forced to drive SUVs and place “W” stickers on our cars. But it wouldn’t stop there.

Our women would be forced to gain weight, get gigantic, 1980s-style perms and lose their libido overnight. Imagine Peg Bundy with 100 extra pounds on her. This is what becoming part of Carmel would do to us. This cannot stand.

Every store would become a Wal-Mart and every radio station would play Toby Keith. Congressman Dan Burton would become our king and every home would be forced to display a portrait of him.

Our schools would teach only evolution. The Speedway would be converted into a dirt-car track. The mansions in Meridian-Kessler would be replaced by doublewide trailers.

Most alarming of all, British intelligence tells us that the leaders of Carmel have tried to obtain yellowcake uranium from Africa. This material could be made into either nuclear weapons or a giant statue of Dale Junior. Either way, we cannot allow this to happen.

Remember, this is the same regime that is unafraid to use so-called “stupid bombs” against its own people. Such weapons cause its victims to watch Fox News and wave giant American flags while buying Chinese-made lawn products from Wal-Mart for their illegal immigrant gardeners.

That is why it is essential for Indianapolis to act quickly. We must stand as one against Carmel and tell them to disarm immediately and renounce their claims to more territory. If they’re not willing to do it, we should do it for them.

Do we really want our children to live in a future where wearing mullets is enforced by law? Do we really want Budweiser to be the only beer we can drink? Do we want all our homes to be separated by only a few feet?

To this end, we must assemble an army of volunteers. I do not think this will be a problem. Our gang members are well-organized and heavily armed. Our policemen are among the most brutally efficient at applying deadly force.

But the battle will not be easy. Everyone in Carmel owns at least one gun, and many have entire arsenals. The fighting will be intense. If war comes, we must capture territory one trailer park at a time.

Before that happens, however, we should place economic sanctions on Carmel. In addition to the border fence and toll road I suggested last week, we should tax all Indianapolis workers who live in Carmel. They are a drain on our resources and their paychecks go to fund the city councils and homeowner associations that pose such a threat to us.

This is a time of crisis but I know that cooler heads will eventually prevail. We can coexist peacefully with Carmel if the city agrees to free the brave freedom fighters of Southwest Clay and immediately disarms the soccer mom death squads.

Tonight, I say to the Carmel people: Help is on the way. We have no quarrel with you. We do not covet your territory. Our troops will remain in place only until a freely elected government assumes power and restores order.

It will take a period of sacrifice to win the battle of Carmel but make no mistake about our resolve. We will win. Freedom demands that we rise to the challenge.

My dream is to see a perm- and mullet-free Carmel. I dream of a day when our two peoples can once again live in harmony. With your help, this will happen.

May God continue to bless the United States of America.