INDY'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE NEWSPAPER HIGHLIGHTING ARTS, ENTERTAINMENT AND SOCIAL JUSTICE

New Year’s Resolutions for the ambitiously challenged

New Year’s resolutions are pretty much like a do-to list that no one really wants to do. Plus, with all the great stuff on cable TV and the Internet, doesn’t it seem like kind of an enormous waste time to worry about so-called “self-improvement” or “making the world a better place”? Boring!

Nevertheless, here are some realistic, doable resolutions for non-Type A personality people. Not for the “go-getter,” but for the “no-getter.” Check it out. Or not, whatever. I don’t care.

1. Eat more fruits and vegetables. Specifically, McDonald’s apple turnovers and french fries.

2. Give all of the network, cable and Internet TV/video channels a fair chance to earn your loyal viewership.

3. Look at more Internet porn, but in a more sensitive way that doesn’t degrade women as much.

4. Blog more often, especially about your keen insights into current music. Also about your eating habits, overall moods, deep thoughts and awesome social life.

5. Buy a new couch. Or find one on Big Trash Night and take it home.

6. Think about maybe possibly someday volunteering for some sort of local charity. More importantly, tell all your friends on MySpace about your new-found philanthropy.

7. Go green. First, start by using less toilet paper.

8. Also go green by not mowing your lawn as often. Hell, don’t mow it at all! Tell the neighbors that you’re growing native grasses in a special “ecological zone” or something.

9. In order to save energy, bathe less often.

10. Form meaningless action teams at work and meet often.

11. Increase your support of locally-owned bars, taverns, clubs, hot dog carts, etc.

12. Support the fine city of Indianapolis by no longer peeing or barfing in the downtown canal.

13. Load your ipod to its fullest capacity using CDs you’ve borrowed from your friends.

14. Move out of your parents’ basement. Or at least make some sort of plans to, you know, eventually do it.

15. Stop springing forward and falling backward. In fact, don’t even pay attention to your clock.

 

Totally inane analysis of (above) photo

1. Bong water hasn’t been cleaned for three years. Pretty skuzzy by now.

C. Johnny Tremain poster hand-made; hey, the ambitiously-challenged can be creative when properly motived.

B. Motor oil: We keep it around because you never know when you might need a quart of oil. Squeaky hinges bugging you?

D. Reading material must not be too challenging – isn’t Oliver Twister a game fun for the entire family?

A. Noodling on guitar might lead to No. 1 hit someday.

2. Gameboy girl shouldn’t fret too hard — anxiety is not for the slacker at heart!

Z. Like a good rug, an energy drink helps tie all the substances together.

U. Bob Dobbs, patron saint of kickin’ back.

W. In many circles, Super Mario 3 is considered the godfather of slackers.

4. PBR — the only first place ribbon a slacker can hope for.

3. Asleep at the ax.