INDY'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE NEWSPAPER HIGHLIGHTING ARTS, ENTERTAINMENT AND SOCIAL JUSTICE
Bummer day at mall reported
by The Evil Fritz
"It was just a real bummer, with all that war junk and stuff," Malleus stated. "Everybody just kind of walked around aimlessly, and nobody bought anything. It was a true bummer. I was so bummed out myself, and all I could think was how much I wanted an Orange Julius. It was like a needle skipping on a record in my head: Orange Julius ... Orange Julius ... Orange Julius ... " Sales were indeed down, according to eyeglasses-repair kiosk owner "Eyeball" Szezchky. "It was a real bummer, that day. I didn"t repair any eyeglasses, I didn"t sell any flip-down clip-on sunglasses, I didn"t sell any eyeglasses repair kits with those tiny screwdrivers. I mean, it was a real bummer. It must be that war junk." Sally von Stockenschtoffen, owner of the "Enormous Cookies" shop, also reported a bad day. "It was a real bummer, that day, with all this war junk. Nobody bought any cookies, so I had to eat them all. My cookies are 3 feet in diameter, so it was tough. But I did it, because I have a can-do attitude." On a brighter note, the mall is in Indianapolis, not Baghdad, so it wasn"t struck by any depleted uranium-bearing missiles, and no one was killed.