INDY'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE NEWSPAPER HIGHLIGHTING ARTS, ENTERTAINMENT AND SOCIAL JUSTICE

Ron Artest, the hero

The NBA shouldn"t have given the Indiana Pacers" Ron Artest a three-game suspension for breaking a $100,000 video camera last week. They should have given him a medal. First of all, Artest"s outburst was the most entertaining moment of the Pacers-Knicks game in New York. Watching him grab the high-definition camera belonging to the MSG Network and tear it apart was fascinating. And, on a night where he shot 2-for-7 from the field, the camera was just about the only thing he hit that night. His anti-media message was much more overt than other commentators", but still appropriate for the circumstances. But once you"ve pulled off a stunt such as this, where is there to go? Is the next logical move for Artest to drive his Mercedes into a TV station? One thing: As a frequent viewer of MSG Network programming, I can attest that they deserve to have more of their cameras destroyed. It"s just too bad Artest can"t turn off Marv Albert"s microphone as well. The upshot of the situation was that the Pacers missed one of their better players for three games - and that Artest is the proud owner of a high-definition TV camera with some assembly required. "You break it, you bought it," Artest said. "I knew it was wrong." How many public officials have ever admitted that they were wrong? For that matter, how many sports officials have? If Artest was forced to apologize after breaking a camera, the Colts" Bill Polian should have to apologize after breaking an entire franchise. Yet the irascible Polian is defiant, even considering the humiliating 41-0 loss the Colts took in the first round of the playoffs. The Napoleon of 56th Street is combative with his players, the media and fans who call into his vanity-plate radio show. (Think about that one for a second. Very few sports-team presidents have the ego to host their own shows. In just about every other city, shows are given to team coaches, not bureaucrats.) The one he should be combative with is himself. Would a hard-nosed professional like Polian tolerate a subordinate who had such an extensive history of miscues and just plain stupid mistakes? After five years and millions of dollars, we have a worse team than when Polian joined. The house of cards finally fell during the playoff game, which was one of the most one-sided and crushing defeats ever suffered by a major-league team. However, it"s unlikely Polian will be held accountable for his failures, unlike former coach Jim Mora, who got the ax last year after another failed season. Speaking of power-hungry incompetents, politicians got back to work last week. They should have stayed on vacation. After choosing one of the shortest, most expensive plans for the I-69 extension, Gov. Frank O"Bannon and his spin doctors tried to portray it as - guess what? - inexpensive and non-political. And it"s a mere coincidence that the route was changed after Sen. Dick Lugar complained that it cut through his family farm. It had nothing to do with the fact that he"ll be essential to getting federal funding for the extension. There"s nothing suspicious about that. Instead, the governor talked about how the plan will help bring economic development - in the form of fast-food restaurants, gas stations and strip malls - to the area around the roads. Governor, we have too many of those already. We need fewer of them, not more. Ask the people in Hamilton County what good all the strip malls, Burger Kings and Shell stations have done for them. It"s good to see that our other politicians are concerned about the vital issues of the day. Knuckle-walking state Rep. Woody Burton (R-Greenwood) has his finger on the pulse of the most important issues in the state. Instead of worrying about the state"s $850 million budget deficit, or about our security against a terrorist attack, the Woodman took aim last week at the burning issue of pornography on college campuses. A bill introduced by Burton would require universities to expel any student participating in the making of a pornographic film, such as happened last year at Indiana University. Never mind that in the entire history of the state, it"s only happened once. Woody"s here to make sure it never happens again. Forget about the meth labs, officers; we"re looking for porn! There was one piece of good news last week: Indiana traffic deaths reached an all-time low in 2002. We"re killing far fewer of our fellow citizens on the road than we did just a year ago. And while the state"s safety-belt law, strict drunk-driving laws and sobriety checkpoints have helped reduce the carnage on the highways, there"s one more thing Indiana can do to save even more lives. The Legislature needs to pass an anti-dumbass driving law. Dumbasses behind the wheel account for more accidents than any other group, and Indiana must lead the nation in driving dumbasses. There should be a common-sense test given along with the other tests to get a license. One question could be, "Should you drive 10 mph on a highway with only a small amount of snow on it?" Or, "Does a yellow light mean "caution" or "floor it"?" If we eliminated dumbasses from the roads, just imagine how many lives would be saved. Of course, that would mean football team presidents, state representatives and governors would not be able to get to their jobs, but that"s a risk I"m willing to take.