INDY'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE NEWSPAPER HIGHLIGHTING ARTS, ENTERTAINMENT AND SOCIAL JUSTICE

Bush visit a triumph of protection

While President Bush’s approval ratings and popularity continue to plunge, even in heavily Republican Indiana, his recent visit to raise funds for Congressman Sodrel proved to be successful on many fronts. Not only did the president raise a half million dollars for Sodrel’s attempts to fight challenger Baron Hill in the 2006 election, his trip to Indianapolis was a triumph of and for the people whose job it is to protect the highest office in the land.

Chief Superintendent of Presidential Protection Dale Bumpercars described the president’s journey to reporters the next day.

“At the Indianapolis airport,” Bumpercars said, “the president was ushered into a secret tunnel whose precise whereabouts I can not disclose.”

While the president was in the tunnel, Bumpercars said, “He was wrapped in a shroud of sorts. We mummified him as a protective measure, obscuring his senses for the dangerous passage.”

Once the mummified president was directly below the Murat Centre where he was to deliver his speech, the president was “de-mummified, in other words, we removed the protective gauze, then placed the president in a heavily reinforced tube that pneumatically placed him directly at the podium.”

Bumpercars paused, then proudly added, “He never had to see or hear anything we didn’t want him to.”