INDY'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE NEWSPAPER HIGHLIGHTING ARTS, ENTERTAINMENT AND SOCIAL JUSTICE

Mo’ carbs

I’ve been wronged and done wrong, so I understand the allure of a good grudge. Still, I have to ask: What did carbohydrates ever do to you? I can hear Dr. Atkins’ minions (even smell the bacon on their breath …) retort, “Carbs made us soft, sugar-enslaved addicts!” Perhaps. But carbohydrates — or lack thereof — have also made a few of you zealots. And I fear what you may be doing to yourself far more than I fear a loaf of bread. Believe me, I agree that processed foods, sugar and white flour are not our friends. (I mean, we get along quite well but I harbor no illusions that ours is a healthy relationship …) For someone like my dad, whose triglyceride levels started to look like SAT scores, cutting carbohydrates can be critical. But, for the love of Pete, should it ever be considered a healthy initiative to nix 100 percent of anything (save Twinkies, cigarettes, Mariah Carey, booze, smack and Bill O’Reilly)? I understand that the Atkins/ South Beach/Sugar Buster diets of the world don’t advocate zero carbs, but they appear to promote remarkable imbalance. Imbalance. Note the prefix “im” from the Latin for “impossibly bad idea.” Kidney failure. Cancer. One more health craze in which only the “haves” can indulge. I come by my soap-boxing honestly. Last spring, I launched a morbidly curious quest to learn the ins and outs of the Atkins diet. Quizzed doctors, hit the Internet, read Dr. Atkins’ own words. And decided to try the damnable thing anyway. I spent a mind-blowing three days on the Atkins diet so I’m no expert. But I can tell you that early Atkins pleasures include flagging energy, a heightened fear of scurvy and just a hint of the ultimate charmer, bad breath. Needless to say, I wasn’t sold. I recognize that I didn’t give it a shot. I recognize that a lot of folks are deeply grateful to Dr. Atkins and his amazing Technicolor diet. But I also recognize that I spent a decade with an eating disorder that did enough damage to my body without low-carb-ing it back into oblivion. Even thin oblivion. I also recognize that every Atkins follower I’ve known has gained it all back when they stop dieting, but who’s counting? If the Atkins phenom hadn’t biased me so intently against any diet flying its low-carb flag, I might have tried a more responsible-sounding plan like the South Beach diet. Fruits and vegetables are far more prevalent in Dr. Arthur Agatston’s popular plan than in Atkins’, as is the attention to bad fats/proteins versus good ones (the ones, I presume, not wearing little Zorro masks, holding your organs at gunpoint). But I’m still unsettled by any diet that champions the villainy of toast rather than calling for moderation and a treadmill. Since the Atkins diet’s 1972 inception, it’s been endlessly exalted as a personal savior. A high-protein, low-carbohydrate diet, the fuel behind the phenom is severely restricted intake. For the first two weeks, “The Induction Period” (which was, I’m certain, the title of a slasher flick about a sorority I once saw), you’re allowed 20 grams of certain carbs daily. This should send you into a state of ketosis. Ketosis occurs when ketones (produced when the body breaks down stored fat for energy) accumulate to high levels in the blood. Simply, when you take away your body’s carbs it says, “What the @#!$?” and has only its own fat to turn to for energy. Sounds fantastic, no? Hell, I’m pretty sure my stored fat could run an Internet start-up if I could put it to work. It’s very ambitious. But there’s a ketosis catch: It isn’t necessarily a healthy state, despite the pounds it helps shed. The fact that ketosis occurs most frequently in those with poorly controlled Type I Diabetes, who are severely malnourished and who suffer from eating disorders should tell you something. It seems, though, that the carb-impaired can’t hear over all the weight loss. Post-ketosis, an Atkins dieter is guided through a slight, gradual increase in allowable carbs until they hit the ceiling … either literally, while scrambling for the yeasty goodies hidden atop their cabinets, OR when they find a level at which they can have X grams of carbs each day yet still lose X pounds. Losing X pounds is significant for many, don’t mistake me. However, does a lower number on the scale really signal better health if your kidneys give out under the strain of excessive (with a capital E) protein? Or if the high level of saturated fats allowed — even encouraged — by the Atkins diet finally block every artery in reach? Shedding extra weight can mean a healthier life … but not when the weight is shed at any cost. In the golden age of carb crimes some are making good use of their time. The Physicians Commission for Responsible Medicine is studying potential risks of severely restricted carb intake. Harvard M.D. George Blackburn is working to support his assertion that ketosis sours appetites and it’s that, rather than Atkins’ theory, that’s spurring weight loss. Cancer prevention crusaders are tilting at low-carb windmills to remind people to eat their vegetables or pay a handsome price later. Me? I’m eating a Pop-Tart.