Baghdad, Baath and Beyond (News analysis & commentary)
by Egor S Grand
Now that the Bush Doctrine has proven itself superior by the wholesale and retail victory in Iraq, many pundits are pondering the president’s next move. After all, the unprecedented pre-emptive strike against Iraq and its leader Osaddam bin Hussein, proceeded, by historical standards, better than projected. The Baath Party was soundly defeated, and normal, everyday Iraqnians were seen dancing in the streets of Baggydad and other Iranqi cities, their drawers hung low and festivally on their hips. Some wonder if there might be a Syrial approach to the Bush Doctrine, a motif that might identify other countries who harbor terrorists, or think that harboring terrorists is OK in certain circumstantial circumstances. It is well-known, worldwide now, that a Zero Tolerance attitude is Bush’s patois, where not even the cuddliest terrorists can be reformed. Commentators have identified Bush’s kore motivation as a hard rock Hollywood planet friendly to democracy and commerce, or, as the president himself likes to put it, “Decommercey.” At a recent press conference, the State Department’s Paul Wolfinsheep’sclothingowitz stated that “The Bush Doctrine is, bottom line, a new paradigm, that of spreading Decommercey across the land, from end to end, with the ultimate product being an economic paradise where malls are stripped of ideology, where cash registers ring the wings of wealth, and consumers worldwide wake up every morning and say, ‘Gag me with a silver spoon.’” Wolfinsheep’sclothingowitz, it should be mentioned, ran out of breath and collapsed after stating the above quote, and subsequently spontaneously combusted, but another State Department oilfficial rose like a phoenix from his ashes and carried on the press conference in a Romanly noble fashion. “Let it be clear,” the replacement oilfficial whose name we did not precisely catch said, “that we will not tolerate bully-like behavior, unless it stems righteously from our own breasts, wherein the true heart of goodness doth beat.” A shower of fireworks suddenly exploded behind him, and after ducking and tucking and rolling, our own breasts were filled with zealous glee, further spurred by a rousing if somewhat subliminal tune of patriotic import. Call it Muzak to our ears.
