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A view from the other side

Editors note: This story is also of a sensitive nature and the author wishes to remain anonymous.

There are several options for a person who desires to flee an abusive situation. Some may include simply moving out, relocating or, in more severe circumstances, escaping to a safe place of refuge.

This is where I come in. As an employee of a women’s domestic violence shelter, I’ve come into contact with many women seeking shelter from various situations.

There are two main levels of shelter organization in my experience: the public side and the personal side. The public side of shelter has to do with administration: marketing for donations, creating a viable presence to involve the public and other business-like ventures. The public side also generates information on domestic violence, what it is and how to recognize it. The public side at times is somewhat superficial and may be guilty of simplifying domestic violence, making it appear as if it is easy to determine how to define abuse and end it.

The personal side, at least for me, is more complicated. While the work is rewarding, it’s emotionally draining and involves a lot of adjustments.

Working at a domestic violence shelter is different than I first imagined. When I began, I was out to save the world — a real advocate for a cause. As a student at a local university interested in women’s issues, I imagined that working at the shelter would help me learn more. I went in with optimism and naiveté — not only about how the world works, but also domestic situations and the cycle involved, the dynamics between those who work at the center and those who stay at the shelter, and the interplay between employees, management and the public.

I couldn’t understand why the employees were not as enthusiastic as I was. In fact, many seemed wary and watchful of the women, as if expecting foul play. I was very judgmental about this attitude.

Not long after beginning to volunteer, I got a part-time position that began in third shift but ended in first shift on the weekends. It was becoming clear to me by this time that women came into the shelter with different motives. I saw women who were in seriously dangerous situations, seeking refuge from a partner or family member. A number of the women in shelter had drug addictions, most likely as a way to self-medicate. Many of the women who came to the shelter were homeless and, out of desperation, fabricated stories in order to be let in.

There were also women, mainly Hispanic women, who felt trapped because they were in an unfamiliar place, not able to communicate and not equipped with the tools to help themselves. Probably the most disturbing were women who appeared to use their children in order to get more help from the government and other groups.

Though smaller in number, men also called the shelter requesting help because of abusive relationships. Unfortunately, men usually don’t feel comfortable reporting abuse, for fear of their “manhood” being called into question.

Boundaries of abuse
There were the women who would leave their abusive situations only to return to shelter a short while later. Some people find this hard to understand. I must admit I felt the same way until I became entrenched in a lesser problem in the relationship I was in. Then I realized how easy it is to convince yourself that there’s hope a partner will change. I learned that the boundaries of abuse are not so clear, that it takes time for most abusive situations to escalate.

With this in mind, it’s easy to understand the confusion a lot of women have and how hard it is for them to leave someone they love, someone they trust.
Abusers are not constant monsters, and though it may be hard to imagine, people who brutalize their partners have tender moments, too.

When abuse begins is not always clear. This doesn’t make it any easier to watch a woman go back to a dangerous situation time after time, only to return even more broken down in mind, sometimes in body.

I soon found myself losing faith in peoples’ honesty. I wondered why I thought I could make a difference. Although there are cases where women find the courage within themselves to break free and reclaim their freedom, I’ve seen a lot of grotesque physical wounds — stab wounds, swollen eyes, broken limbs. Probably the most heart-wrenching element of domestic abuse is to see the effects on the children. Even more troubling is when patents’ abusive patterns appear in their children’s behaviors.

Striving towards change
Working full-time at the shelter has made a difference in my life because I somehow feel more involved in these women’s lives. I see them every day, working and striving towards change in their journeys to healing.

Even more touching is when a woman is ready to get out on her own, not returning to the abuser, but truly independent. Better still is to hear from that same person a year later, checking in to let us know that she is doing well and abuse-free.

If you need help 

24-hour hotlines
• Crisis and Suicide Intervention Service 317-251-7575
• Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence Hotline
   800-332-7385
• National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE

Emergency and law enforcement
• Emergency 911
• Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department
   Victim Assistance 317-327-3331
• Adult Protective Services 800-992-6978
• Child Abuse Hotline 800-800-5556
• Center of Hope at Wishard Hospital ER 317-633-HOPE
• VINE (Marion County Jail Release Notification)
   1-800-278-8134
• Marion County Prosecutor’s Office 317-327-8500
Advocacy, support groups and counseling
• Breaking Free 888-254-8988
• Julian Center 317-941-2200
• Family Advocacy Center 317-327-6900
• Family Service 317-634-6341
• Legacy House 317-554-5272
• Prevail 317-773-6942
• Wishard Hispanic Health Project 317-630-6636
• Fresh Start of Indiana 317-541-1655

Resources for families and children
• Prevent Child Abuse Indiana 800-CHILDREN
• Indiana Family Helpline 800-433-0746
• Family Support Center 317-634-5050
• Teen Link Hotline 317-255-TEEN

Legal assistance
• Indiana Legal Services, Inc. 317-631-9410
• Legal Aid Society 317-635-9538
• Protective Order Pro Bono Project 317-236-0116

Financial help
• HELPLINE (information and referral) 317-926-4357
• TANF/Medicaid/Medicare 317-931-2920

Shelters and transitional housing
• Salvation Army/Ruth Lilly Center 317-637-5551
• Julian Center Shelter 317-920-9320
• Holy Family Shelter 317-635-7830
• WINGS 317-925-2914
• Queen of Peace 317-916-6753
• Coburn Place Safe Haven (transitional housing)
   317-923-5750