INDY'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE NEWSPAPER HIGHLIGHTING ARTS, ENTERTAINMENT AND SOCIAL JUSTICE

99 things you can do while holding a beer (WHAB)

Editors note: We asked Ms. Kuieck, who hails from Anderson, Ind., if she would take this list to 100 things you can do WHAB, but as she, too, is ambitiously challenged, she did not get back to us in time. Well, maybe she did, but we didn’t get to our e-mail because we forgot our password. Also note that most of these items were tested in the interest of accuracy.

1. Leave voicemail

2. Vacuum

3. Bird watch

4. Make out

5. Chin ups

6. Apply a Band-Aid

7. Dress/undress

8. Recite poetry

9. Throw a paper airplane

10. Fence (light swordplay)

11. Change a light bulb

12. Ring a Salvation Army bell

13. Complete all manner of tedious bureaucratic forms and applications

14. Operate one puppet

15. Hang curtains

16. Spackle

17. Build a snowman and knock it down

18. Sell insurance

19. Try on shoes without laces

20. Apply makeup

21. Hide or locate Easter eggs

22. Hear or give confession: “Bless me father I’m drinking beer RIGHT NOW,” “That’s (urp) OK, my child, so am I …”

23. Dip and blow your bubble wand

24. Pick strawberries (all harvesting I suppose)

25. Take a dump

26. Sort crayons

27. Feed fish

28. Sky dive

29. Lose your keys

30. Find your keys

31. Find your cell phone

32. Pretend you are just as good as people who do all these things holding champagne

33. Apply sunscreen

34. Clip coupons

35. Stand on one leg

36. Perform tarot readings

37. Impersonate Elvis

38. Rearrange your sock drawer

39. Assist elderly woman across street

40. Tip your canoe

41. Wonder where you are

42. Sleep

43. Churn butter (I checked on this, you can do it but you have to switch off when your arm gets tired)

44. Mow your yard (push mower or riding mower)

45. Point at shoplifters

46. Motion “stop” in the name of love to your sweetie

47. Set stuff on fire

48. Protest the war

49. Defrost your fridge

50. Pick your nose

51. Hold a beer in the other hand

52. Set your alarm

53. Study foreign language tapes

54. Yell at your kids

55. Dowse for water

56. Counsel traumatized Harry Potter readers

57. Browse MySpace

58. Vote for American Idol

59. Squeegee your windows

60. Perform yo-yo tricks

61. Propose marriage

62. Win the lottery

63. Videotape an at-home childbirth

64. Tip the pizza guy

65. Caroling

66. Hopscotch

67. Pour scotch

68. Drink scotch

69. Embarrass yourself

70. Mount mechanical bull

71. Ride mechanical bull

72. Be thrown from bull yet save the beer at all costs

73. Count sheep

74. Light your menorah

75. Rope tricks with a lasso

76. Belch the alphabet

77. Prove the unified field theory in an elaborate chalk equation

78. Erase unified field theory elaborate chalk equation before anyone sees

79. Twiddle the free thumb

80. Various action figure poses

81. March in place

82. March to another place

83. Hush the librarian

84. Ask yourself, “Do you feel lucky?”

85. The “hustle”

86. Cross your eyes, your fingers and your legs, all at once

87. Be vewwy quiet … wuhuhuhuh (this is an Elmer Fudd reference and pertains to wabbit hunting)

88. Write your congressman

89. The splits

90. Turn your head and cough

91. Sneeze and bless yourself

92. Shower with your clothes on

93. Marvel at the wonders of nature (wait, that might be backwards)

94. Crash a wedding

95. Curl your tongue (only if you possess the gene for tongue curling; if you could not do this before holding a beer you will not able to do it while holding a beer)

96. Wish upon a star

97. Bare your soul

98. Feed the birds (tuppence a bag)

99. Doodle