Entries by Ryan Middleton

It's true. He wouldn't know where to begin. Sure, he can talk about changing the batteries in my dead vibrator with an eloquence unmatched in this presidential race, but when it comes down to actually unscrewing the base of the artificial phallus, correctly inserting four double-A batteries, two plus-side down and two minus-side down, it is my opinion Barack Obama would shit his pants. I, on the other hand, have extensive experience in changing battery-operated dildos. I've been changing them for the last twenty years with great success. Continue reading "Hillary: Barack Couldn't Change the Batteries in my Vibrator"

Karl Rove announced his resignation at the end of this month, and spent most of the weekend taking down the inspirational posters in his office. Oh, and he stopped by somewhere between one and all of the Sunday political talk shows. Contrary to popular belief, “The Architect” is pretty gay for the Fourth Estate, but he’s wise enough not to wear his heart on his sleeve. Just imagine his self-restraint while lost in those dreamy eyes of NBC’s David Gregory on Meet the Press. Continue reading "The Resignation of a Mastermind"

The Dog Days of Summer are upon us, and our government is taking some much needed R. & R. from the ever-exhausting "War on Terror." And how can you blame them? We're all tired of it. Remaining vigilant for days on end is a taxing exercise, although I have to say my glutes have never been firmer. Congress has recessed until September fourth, but nobody knows how to vacation better than George W. Bush. Continue reading ""War on Terror" Takes August Off"