Sunday, January 13. 2008Hillary: Barack Couldn't Change the Batteries in my Vibrator It's true. He wouldn't know where to begin. Sure, he can talk about changing the batteries in my dead vibrator with an eloquence unmatched in this presidential race, but when it comes down to actually unscrewing the base of the artificial phallus, correctly inserting four double-A batteries, two plus-side down and two minus-side down, it is my opinion Barack Obama would shit his pants. I, on the other hand, have extensive experience in changing battery-operated dildos. I've been changing them for the last twenty years with great success. Think of America as one giant, vibrating dildo that, over the course of the decade, has lost much of its battery life. Our national sex toy is running at a quarter of the power it could be, leaving millions of hardworking people ungratified sexually. We have the Bush Administration to thank for that. It has wasted the double A's we've put into our continent-sized fake penis-- overusing it in Iraq. Now it is overworked and clogged with sand. We should be talking about how we're going to run it under a tap, rinsing off all the shit from repeatedly fucking Iraq in the ass, then allowing it to dry, and replacing the old batteries to stimulate our economy's clitoris.
Iraq's asshole is raw and bleeding, and this isn't the time for talk. Everyone says how inspired they are by Barack Obama, and that his 2002 speech opposing the war in Iraq has been the basis for his candidacy. Well, you can try and inspire a vibrator to switch out its old batteries all you want, but at the end of the day it takes a person with the history and know-how to physically get that powered fuck-stick performing on multi-speed settings again. Some have likened Senator Obama to Martin Luther King, Jr. or John F. Kennedy, but those men not only talked the talk. It was the turbulent 1960s, and they were knee-deep in vibration-less dildos. They did change those batteries, so a generation could enjoy the rhythmic titillation that are civil rights. What I'm trying to say, my fellow Americans, is that we all should take a step back, and compare and contrast our abilities to change the batteries of an electrified aid for masturbation. So, when you think about who you're going to vote for this election, just ask yourself, "Who has actually worked a vibrator that has countlessly been worn out and replenished with fresh batteries?" I think you know the answer, and that person is your next president. Trackbacks
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What an offensive post... Really disgusting. You wouldn't be talking about vibrators if there wasn't a female candidate. And to explain the dire situation in Iraq by saying, "Iraq's asshole is raw and bleeding" is just beyond me. You need to cut the crap, Ryan. Why don't you just say what you want to say without all the bullshit vibrator/battery/sextalk. You're not arousing any empathy or generating any real political discussions with this nonsense. Your post is just merely disgusting. The editors of Nuvo ought to remove this ASAP.
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Yeah Ryan, you wouldn't be satirizing her if she wasn't running for president. I agree, just say what you really feel, without interjecting humor and making us do all the work by reading between the lines. Just cause Hillary's frigid vagina is in the public light, does not give you any right to make fun of her. And to think if she could just give proper head, she would have this election wrapped up... Remember, you can't spell HILL-arious without Hill...
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