Robert Mathis is suspended for four games. The offensive line has looked, um … well, we’ve got Andrew Luck, everybody! And Reggie Wayne’s back! So your fearless and always inaccurate NUVO sports guy (NUVO sports guy? THAT’S gotta be an oxymoron) says the Colts will post a record of …
Let’s go 11-5.
The losses will pile up early, and sports talk radio will be enraged at Grigson, Pagano, Irsay, Mathis’ suspension, the weather, lunar phases, the schedule and every single bad call and rule change that proves that the NFL actually hates us. Angry! ANGRY! ANGGGGGRYYY! ANNOUNCER SMASH!
While football prognostication is always tough given the nature of the game (what with injuries and suspensions), here’s how we think the season shakes out, game by game:
Sept. 7 at Denver: Luck vs. Manning? What more needs to be said? Besides the obvious — this game will see Peyton hurling the damn ball all over the field without ol’ Bob to slow him down with a sack or 30. Broncs 37, Colts 21. (This is the first prime-time Sunday night game airing on NBC this season. Bring the hype.)
Sept. 15 v. Eagles: The Colts welcome what’s probably the best team in a meh division, the NFC East (we play all the teams in said division in 2014) for the home opener. Expect deafening crowd noise when a hopefully-completely-healed Reggie Wayne catches his first ball. It’s a Monday night game, too. So what could possibly completely freak out everybody in Blue Nation? An 0-2 start. Iggles 23, Colts 21.
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Jacksonville, where there's never a line at the urinal!
Sept. 21 at Jags: Blake Bortles is the future! Maybe, but not the present. This is where the Colts start looking like an NFL team. Colts 49, Jags 3. (PROP BET: More people will watch this game in the Greenwood Buffalo Wild Wings than will actually show up in Jacksonville.)
Sept. 28 v. Titans: Colts 21, Oilers 10, Titans 3.
Oct. 5 v. Ravens: These thugs will probably be the best in the AFC North. Their defense is always tough. Ravens 17, Colts 13.
Oct. 9 at Texans: Thursday night game, on the road, after a bruiser. Texans 24, Colts 13. We are now 2-4. Jagerbomb sales suddenly spike, as do ratings for Bears games.
Oct. 19 v. Bengals: Why isn’t this a rivalry? Oh, yeah, because the Bengals always manage to find a way to suck. Colts 28, Bengals 21. Mathis returns to last season’s form here.
Oct. 26 at Steelers: The field is named after a ketchup. Ketchup is the color of blood. Steelers 17, Colts 3.
(We are now 3-5. The Blue Crew sets fire to Anderson. Jim Irsay’s estate is overrun by Mongol hordes. Mascot “Blue” changes name to “Pestilence.” Grown men weep like troubled subjects in post-impressionist paintings.)
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Wearing blue? Nice foreshadowing, Vince!
Vincent van Gogh
Nov. 3 at Giants: The ghost of Jimmy Hoffa bets large against the Jints in this one and trips up Eli in his own end zone. Colts 25, Giants 17.
BYE WEEK: Colts practice squad 17, Jaguars 3.
Nov. 16 v. Patriots: “Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design. Your friends, up there on the sanctuary moon, are walking into a trap, as is your Rebel fleet. It was I who allowed the Alliance to know the location of the shield generator. It is quite safe from your pitiful little band. An entire legion of my best troops awaits them. Oh, I'm afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive.” – Bill Belichick, pregame press conference, Super Bowl XLVI. Colts 31, Pats 30, your cardiologist $45K. Blue becomes cuddly again.
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Nov. 23 v. Jags: Colts 124, Jags 10.
Nov 30 v. Daniel Snyder’s Racist Logos: Colts 27, Cultural appropriation 0. RG3 throws nine interceptions. Reggie catches for seven million yards. The defense sacks Griffin, Griffin’s backup, Griffin’s backup’s backup, Snyder’s valet and two beer guys. Every talking head on ESPN suddenly crowns the Colts as Super Bowl favorites!
Dec. 7 at Browns: Will Johnny Football ever be a decent starting QB? Will Cleveland’s alleged NFL team have a winning record? Will Trent Richardson go all Jim Brown and gain 450 yards? Can LeBron bring a ring to the Cavs, the Indians AND the Browns? Will The Carpenters ever make it into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? The answer’s fucking no. Colts 31, Dog Pound 3, Manziel’s Finger 1
Dec. 14 v. Texans: Probably the only team in the AFC South division besides the Colts with even a shot at the playoffs. Playoffs? PLAYOFFS? Still, Colts 28, Texans 21.
Dec. 21 at Cowboys: I have two favorite teams: the Colts and whoever is playing the Cowboys. Hey! Lookit this! Colts 45, Jerry Jones’ Candid Camera 10.
Dec. 28 at Titans: There are still Manning Vols jerseys in these stands. Colts 21, Titans (playing for the slimmest chance at playoff survival and praying for help from six other teams in the AFC) 20.