[this is satire]
Recent events in national and international politics has put the Bush Administration on the defensive. From the Sept. 11 Commission’s investigation, to the release of photos depicting the abuse of Iraq prisoners, the administration, most notably the president himself, has been put in the awkward position of deciding whether to apologize to those affected.
Some on the left have determined that being in the Bush White House means you never have to say you’re sorry. Given the onslaught of troubling developments, along with the fact that this is an election year, the White House has moved to grapple with this perception. Yesterday, presidential spokesperson Scott McScott introduced a middle-aged man to the assembled press corps. “I want you to meet,” he told the reporters, “the new White House sorryperson, Robert Ixnay.” McScott went on to explain that the position was created to “present an apologetic face” to the American public. McScott stepped away, and Ixnay read the following statement. “On behalf of the president of the United States, I want to say that I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry there are, occasionally, things to be sorry about. I’m sorry I squandered my youth. I’m sorry I can’t explain why nobody remembers me in the Air National Guard. I’m sorry I took so many vacations. I’m sorry I had to stop. I’m sorry that I said the mission was accomplished. I’m sorry about Dick Cheney. I’m sorry about John Ashcroft. I’m sorry that Michael Moore exists. I’m sorry I had no clue what to do about rebuilding Iraq. I’m sorry I have a shit-eating grin. Mostly, I’m sorry that I’m standing here before you. And finally, I’m sorry I can’t take any questions.” At that, Ixnay turned his back, eliminating any possibility of reporters following-up. It didn’t matter, though, as everyone present, moved by the litany of apologies, was in tears.