For some reason, during my lifetime I seem to have attracted more than my fair share of attention from police officers — and I’m not even black! Anyway, over the years I have learned what NOT to say when you’ve been pulled over by a cop, which I’ll share with you now.
• As the policeman approaches your vehicle, do not roll down your window and shout, “Hey! You’re one of The Village People! Where’s the cowboy?”
• If you are stopped while driving on the interstate, do not ask, “Gosh, do you catch a lot of drug smugglers on this route?”
• When the cop asks for your driver’s license, you should not say, “Jeez, I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.”
• Do not look up at the officer and say, “Wow. I thought you guys had to be in some kind of decent physical shape.”
• If a law enforcement officer asks for your name, do not say, “Puddin’ Tane, ask me again and I’ll tell you the same.”
• Most police officers will not be amused if you say to them, “Ohmigod, you’re not going to look in the trunk, are you?”
• And, finally, never address a policeman as “Barney Fife.”