Dear Super Bowl visitors,
Welcome to Indianapolis. We hope you enjoy your stay here and spend as much of your money as possible. Then please hurry up and go home because your presence here annoys, inconveniences and irritates us.
Don't get us wrong. There really is such a thing as Hoosier hospitality and on any other occasion we'd be more than happy to extend it to you. But not now. Our city is in desperate need of improvement in housing, public transportation and jobs. Your being here hurts us in all of those areas.
Certainly the city will see an uptick in revenue while you are here. We, the citizens of Indianapolis who never asked for you to be here, won't see a penny of it. And when the last of you has flown back home, those problems will have gotten worse from your being here.
All of the wonderful and magnificent attractions that the NFL has created for your entertainment this week were never designed for the use of the citizens who live here. They will be dismantled the moment the game is over and will never return.
Meanwhile, people who work downtown are unable to drive to work or find parking spaces, let alone enjoy the festivities arranged on your behalf. We are the drones who must endure your invasion and somehow survive it. It's nothing personal against any of you, but we'd rather you stayed at home and watched the game on TV like almost all of us.
We've rounded up the homeless people of our city and kept them out of your sight. We've also built enormous new hotels that will be abandoned after you leave, creating even more unemployed and homeless people than existed before you arrived.
Your presence here means that platoons of police and Homeland Security agents have been deployed to protect you from interacting with any of us. They, too, will leave when you do, so that you wouldn't know about the increase in violent crime we've had lately.
Our bus system will be offering free rides to you later this week. You may appreciate the convenience that this affords. You're not supposed to know that our public transportation system is among the worst in the nation and is about to get even worse due to cuts that will take effect long after you've returned to your mansions.
You may have the chance to meet our governor, Mitch Daniels, while you are here. You may know him as the candidate whose wife didn't want him to run for president. You may also know him from his embarrassing response to the president's state of the union address last week.
He was the budget director under President George W. Bush. Daniels oversaw the transformation of record budget surpluses into record budget deficits, then came home and was elected governor as a fiscal conservative.
There's a very good chance you may meet with him if your annual income is $400,000 or higher. Democratic lawmakers, union leaders and average citizens have been trying to meet with him for eight years without luck, so consider yourselves fortunate.
Indianapolis has been trying obsessively to get folks such as yourselves to take notice of us. Thirty years of civic planning has led up to this week in the national spotlight. Since we have no further development plans for the future, other than ridding the state of unionized labor, poor people and Democrats, we're planning to enjoy this week as much as possible.
Our streets are being blocked off for your convenience. Since this has led to our massive inconvenience, please wave hello to the locals standing behind the police barricades awaiting a glimpse of you, the affluent tourists. You are not permitted to speak with any of us unless we are serving you food, alcohol or have been hired as a prostitute for your pleasure.
There is a rich cultural history and many historic neighborhoods, all of which you are being encouraged to ignore while you are here. In fact, we've gone the extra step and destroyed many of those historic neighborhoods in order to erect hotels, malls and restaurants to serve you this week.
Yes, we the people of Indianapolis are required by law to welcome you to our city, which we've given over to the NFL and corporate sponsors this week. The football stadium where you will enjoy the Super Bowl was built just with you in mind. We are being asked not to think about the schools that could have been built or the transportation system that could have been rejuvenated with the stadium money.
This week is all about you. How can we serve your needs? We have been preparing since the 1970s for your arrival and have mortgaged our future in order for you to be here. Just let us know what you want and we'll try and make it possible.
Thank you for coming and, with absolutely no disrespect intended, please vacate the city as soon as possible in order that we may have our lives back. Enjoy the game!
[A+E] Festivals + Parties, Local Business, Environment, Social Justice