Wedding bells ring flat 

[this article is satire]

[this article is satire] Celebrities Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck held a press conference in Hollywood, Calif., to announce their engagement. The press conference, staged in the courtyard of Dolly’s Famous Restaurant, a popular movie star hangout, was attended by various members of the media. The proceedings were broadcast to fans outside the restaurant via large screen TVs. The two stars were dressed casually, though it’s easy to speculate that their seemingly normal-folk clothing actually cost hundreds if not thousands of dollars. Affleck took the microphone first, telling the assembled crowd that “Me and Jen, well, we’ve given this a lot of thought,” while running his hand repeatedly through his mop of hair. This gesture struck some in the audience as affected, a kind of “absent-minded professor” act that’s hard to believe in. And, as Affleck handed over the speaking duties to Lopez, he displayed what can only be characterized as a “shit-eating grin.” By the time Lopez took the mic, many in the audience were shifting in their seats, racking their brains for an excuse to get out of there. As the movie/pop recording star pontificated about her “endless” commitment to Ben Affleck, one of the country’s so-called sexiest men (yeah, right!), we began to squirm even more. Some of us were even bored by the specter of yet more cleavage from the always scantily-clad star. Affleck then returned to the dais and began describing the specific plans for the wedding, but his description was drowned out by a chorus of yawns and throatclears in the audience. Still, somehow, the fledgling actor persevered, finishing whatever the hell he was saying. We left as soon as we could, which wasn’t soon enough. Out in the street, hundreds of fans were assembled, staring vacuously at the large screen TVs. “God, that sucked!” remarked 16-year-old Tanya Keepers, here on vacation from Des Moines, Iowa. She added, “I thought Lopez’s delivery was especially canned.” Keepers’ companion, 17-year-old Brittany Angel, agreed. “I’m, like, so over her little girl pout I could so scream.” When asked how Affleck had performed, Angel replied, “Whatever soft spot I may once have had in my heart for that man has turned to stone. Did you see his posture? The calculated slump of the shoulder? The hobbledehoy smile smeared on his face? What-EVer!” Others in the crowd were even more eviscerating. Reactions ranged from “disgusting portrayal” to “apocalyptically bad” to “gag me with a fork.” Rick Brensoning, a 25-year-old carpenter from northern California, summed it up when he said, “They used to both give me boners. Now I think they’re both boneheads.” Details regarding the wedding ceremony were left out of this article, because we figured no one would really give a shit either way.

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