I have been seeing a married man off and on for two and a half years. We were planning to be together in a more permanent setting. He sold his house and is working on selling their other house before filing for divorce to make things simpler. So, he moved in with me and then moved out about a week later. He said that he just wasn’t comfortable going straight from one relationship and into another with nothing in between. However, in the last few months he suggested that I buy the house that was still in me and my ex-husband’s name — so I did. I told him that I couldn’t afford it by myself for very long. Knowing all of that he still left and we haven’t really had a chance to talk about it yet. I am feeling very hurt by his shift in plans and told him if he left we were done, but he left anyway. He seems pretty happy about his choice, but I’m very hurt and upset not only because of the financial situation he helped me get into, but I am very confused and discontent right now. I asked him to meet me tonight and I want some advice on how I should handle this because I feel that I need some answers. The only thing that he said was the he wasn’t comfortable with the fact we were having too much sex and was worried about me getting pregnant. I said we could use protection if it bothered him and he said nothing. Any suggestions?
Anon Dear Anon,
I don’t know how your meeting with this man went, but I also don’t think it’s relevant. I say this only because I can’t imagine your conversation with him put you any closer to resolving the serious issues that lay before you. You have a house now that you have already said you cannot afford. Hinging the decision to purchase this home on a confused, indecisive, MARRIED man was an error in judgement, and could end up being a costly one if you don’t focus solely on correcting it. We’ll talk about the guy in a second, but my main priority is you, your future, your credit rating and your ability to live independently and comfortably. These things may not seem as important as the emotions surrounding this man, but they are actually more important because the consequences will stick around longer. You’ve got to find a way to stave off foreclosure on this house before worrying about anything else. Find a roommate, a second job, trim your expenses to the bone, seek help from family or a financial counselor, anything. In the long run, it’s likely best to sell the house and move into something on your own that you know you can afford alone. You’ve banked on someone who is unreliable. Though I don’t know him, he is by definition unreliable because of the situation he is in. Absolute, non-negotiable, priority number one is damage control for you. I don’t care what he promised you, your life is yours and you need to start looking out for it. He can wait. Actually, even if you two are destined to be together, he SHOULD wait. As far as this man goes, it’s difficult for me to say but I don’t think you should pursue him at all. You said it would be over if he left so part of you knows it’s the best thing for you. Even before the house stuff and the moving in together stuff, you yourself said you’d been seeing him “on and off.” He was non-committal from the beginning, as most married men are while having an affair. Perhaps he’s a wonderful guy who is just stuck in crappy circumstances and would otherwise love to spend the rest of his life with you. Honestly, if this were the case, his behavior should give evidence. It hasn’t. This isn’t what you want to hear, I know. I can’t fully understand the pain you must be in; anyone who says they can is full of shit. But this is what I sincerely think is best for you, even though I hate saying it. Sometimes what we want just isn’t what we need.