We start with Stephan Ennui Gallagher"s take:
Worst waistline on the local sports scene
Macho Mike. Doing the YMCA dance atop a dugout at Indians home games is entertaining but let's be honest, Sweating to the Oldies is doing nothing for this man's mid section. Richard Simmons: We need you!
Worst home field advantage
Conseco Fieldhouse. The USA Men's Basketball team, 58-0 since NBA players began competing in international events, lost consecutive games to Argentina and Yugoslavia on their way to a sixth-place finish at the 2002 World Basketball Championships in September.
Worst place to catch a cab
Downtown Indy. Mayor Bart Peterson has suggested that Indianapolis needs to keep the Colts in order to retain our big-city status. Hey, Bart, how 'bout a couple cabs?
Worst place to be a cat
The Canine Companion Zone at Broad Ripple Park. The doggy park in Broad Ripple was also a finalist for the worst place to walk barefoot and the worst place to be a tree.
Worst place to land a helicopter
Jim Irsay's backyard. When the commute-abhorring Colts owner decided to build a helipad in his backyard, his neighbors raised a ruckus, which, spirited though it was, paled in comparison to the sound of a chopper landing. Much like the Colts' defense, Irsay eventually relented.
Next, we hear from correspondent Bill Foranact on the 10 worst things about Indianapolis:
No. 10. When people from out of state realize that Indianapolis is, in fact, not the same as Minneapolis, they ask about the 500.
No. 9. A nationwide survey from the Center for Disease Control finds that Indiana is the third fattest state in the Union. Hoosiers ask, "What can we do to be No. 1?"
No. 8. We call ourselves Hoosiers.
No. 7. When you ask people in Indianapolis if they've seen a play recently, they describe a basketball game.
No. 6. On Sundays, downtown looks like a ghost town. On Friday and Saturday nights, it's even scarier.
No. 5. What with all the superstore strip malls, we wouldn't have anywhere to go skiing or mountain biking even if we had hills.
No. 4. People think Indianapolis is multicultural because their children have somebody to stare at in the grocery store.
No. 3. It takes a whole three hours to drive to Chicago.
No. 2. The Red Cross had to send relief to our city's starving artists.
No. 1. Indianapolis is a great place to raise a family.
From frequent Antennae correspondent Mark Andrews:
1. "I Love Jesus" hanging car deodorizers
2. Laughing Buddha chocolate suckers
3. NASCAR Drivers Sing Southern Country Gospel CD
4. WWJD bath scales
1. Montel's daily obsession to find the real father
2. Curtis Sliwa as political analyst
3. Judge Judy spin-offs (The original is bad enough!)
1. Jerry Falwell saying The Lord's Prayer
2. Rush Limbaugh saying The Pledge of Allegiance
3. Dr. Laura saying anything!
1. "Osama" toilet paper
2. "Collapsing Twin Tower" commemorative plates
3. Star Spangled Bibles
1. Oktoberfest pizza
2. Seafood breakfast buffets
1. "Heaven bound" bee-hive hairdos with ankle-length skirts above Nike shoes
2. Leg warmers making a comeback!
3. "Rap Daddy" visible underwear
4. Elbow piercings
5. Tongue tattoos
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4. "This "Smoking makes you a dupe" public service ad was brought to you by R.J. Reynolds and Phillip Morris."
5. "... and remember; drunks don"t let friends take their keys!
1. Waking up in a strange place; fully clothed
2. Any product using the word "enhancer"
3. Spiked public hair
4. Being the winning contestant on Amish Mystery Date!