The Pep Hamilton Postgame Communique 

click to enlarge pephamilton_web.jpg

Salutations, neighbors! Say, our boys sure were on the trolley last night, were they not?!! Hahaha, you bet yer wooden nickels they were! They fought those dapper Penn. fellows with all their might! A real hayburner, folks! Knee-deep in cabbage stew, we were! But alas, our noble brigade & the very Light of the Lord both were struck down by a heap of phonus balonus if you ask me! Horsefeathers! A real sockdolager at the cheatin' hands of the striped devil-judge who had it in for us, see! That turkey was a wrong number from the get-go, sure as sawbucks!

[cracks open a bottle of Coca-Cola made with 65% uncut cocaine]

Say, gang — one minute everything's jake & the next it's all gone to onions! ONIONS, SEE!! And now I'm readin' in the newsies that perhaps I'm to blame, your old pal Pep! To which I reply, APPLESAUCE TO THAT! (Pardon my French.) It's all horsefeathers if you ask me!

[hikes up rowing unitard]

Listen close, dames & germs: I am no Copper Cad, if you know what I mean! I'm no flim-flam hopped up on the giggle juice! I'm a butter & eggs man, through & through! A real high-pillow! I learned foot-ball under Flyin' Faye Abbott & Paddy Driscoll and they're just aces, gang! ACES!! We play it safe, see! We play the power run foot-ball that you can set your timepiece to, not yr. loosey-goosey crazyball with yr. for-ward heaves & other such witchcraft!

[sells U.S. Steel stock, makes $319 million]

Sure, some outfits in the Nat'l F'ball Lg. play the "crazyball," but they are coached by a bunch a' flat tires if you catch my drift! Some real boobs! They do their for-ward tosses and their no-huddle(?) nonsense and they even use fancy talkie-machines to relay their sorcery back 'n forth betwixt the coaches &/or players! BOLLOCKS!! No sir-ee, me & Faye & Paddy, we use Injun lads to run written dispatches back 'n forth on foot because those people can be trusted and tech-nology cannot!

[earns medical degree, prescribes cigarettes to all his patients]

So we shall stay the course, folks; we will eschew these modern fads of the "for-ward pass" and "film study" and "flying aero-machines"; we are a tin-lizzy operation here, gang; a power foot-ball team with Jesus at the helm & we will be back in the duck soup in no time!

[teaches 8-year-old nephew how to drive]

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Roy Hobbson

Roy Hobbson

Roy Hobbson writes about sports, fatherhood and sometimes nachos. He was responsible for the now-defunct IndyCar blog called The Silent Pagoda.

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