The 2004 election will be decided by a group that, by its very nature, has flown under the radar. That group is the Lazy-Ass Voters. The “maybe I will, maybe I won’t” voters. A group that can be counted on NOT to be counted on.
Who are the Lazy-Ass Voters? Well, I am one. I’m a huge Lazy-Ass Voter. And I am not alone.
The Lazy-Ass Voter block can be divided into two subgroups: the middle-aged Geezers and the younger Slackers.
As a Geezer, I first became aware of the political process during the Watergate Era. This was when people were breaking into other people’s offices, the Vietnam War was dragging on and we had a president whose nickname was “Tricky Dick.”
No wonder a lot of us decided that politics was a bunch of horse hockey. Plus, there were just so many other fun things to do — what we used to call “sex, drugs and rock ’n’ roll.”
This period in our nation’s history formed the foundation of the Geezers’ political mindset, which is based on mistrust, apathy and, uh, apathy. The whole political system seemed crooked and eventually just plain boring. We became the first generation of Lazy-Ass Voters.
Then, following in our lazy footsteps, along came the new generation of Lazy-Ass Voters, the Slackers. Conditioned by MTV and video games to have an even shorter attention span than the Geezers, the Slackers pretty much ignored politics all together.
Politicians continued to engage in dirty tricks and secret wars, but the younger generation realized that this was just business as usual. Plus, there were just so many other fun things to do, like PlayStation, cable TV and rap music.
Now, here we all are in 2004. What is it that can awaken the huge, slumbering giant known as the Lazy-Ass Voters?
The answer is simple. The apathetic Geezer and the uninterested Slacker will rise up from their collective couches for one common goal: to oust our total screw-up of a president, George W. Bush. We will sacrifice our lazy love of routine and convenience. We will fight our natural tendency toward sloth and get in our cars and go to the polls. We will kick George W. Bush out of office and set America on a new course!
Then, we will take the rest of the day off and go home and take a nap.