Hmm ... where shall I begin? Well first off, I read your columns every week so I really enjoy reading your advice you give to others, as it has helped me in many various situations. OK, I guess, let me be straightforward. I'm a female in my early 20s who has been married for almost four years. My husband is approaching his late 20s so there is a little bit of a gap between our ages. The problem is I find myself frequently between my monthly cycles having these increasingly extreme hormonal outrages (that is how I like it to call it, aka extremely horny). That is only the start of my problem; being a young couple trying to make ends meet financially puts stress and frustration at another level of importance in the marriage. So needless to say by the time the day winds down for the both of us, my husband is just too tired too attend to my sexual desires. Now don't get me wrong, the sex is still (pretty) good, but I want to experience more new and exciting things in the bedroom with him, and that seems to be a once in a great while kind of thing for us. I need sexual attention all the time it seems, and I often find myself fantasizing about being with an older "mature" type male and how that gets me completely turned on. Now when I say "older, mature," I mean almost double my age because by speaking or hearing them speak on a sexual basis they seem to know what a woman wants sexually, and it's almost as if a woman would be put up on a pedestal for them to show off, and I LOVE that. Do you think you can help me before I cheat on my significant other?
Dear Sexual Overdrive,
Well, I can't force you to be faithful but I'll hopefully take the edge off the temptation. You're far from alone in your dilemma. Additionally, dreams of older men are common. Look at what happens to otherwise rational women when you mention Sean Connery. It's bedlam. But understand, the reason the salt-and-pepper-haired Mr. Swinging Dick of your dreams is appealing is because he exists as a perfect specimen in your mind. That's the nature of fantasies: complication and conflict-free. Don't worry about the fact you don't have much in common, his stamina is waning, his ass sags or that he ditches you every other weekend for his kids. You only get the good parts: the sexual prowess, the adoration, being taken care of by a man who's got the goods to keep you in Oreos and orgasms perpetually. It's a great fantasy, but I promise the reality will always fall short. Real life gets in the way.
Speaking of real life, I don't know your unique circumstances, but every married couple's desire/energy waxes and wanes. We all have to just get through it. Talk about ways you can both reach the end of the day without being cashed. This doesn't sound romantic, but try "scheduled spontaneity," agreeing to a time for sex and knowing you're going to do something different. Having to wait in aching anticipation of a wild encounter can be such a blast. Instruct him in the ways of the seasoned lover. Tell him what is already wonderful, and what you'd like to try. I know you want him to be the adventurous one, but you might need to show him how. There are thousands of books, games, movies, toys, stuff you can bring home to keep sex fun and frequent. Lucky girl, you have a chance to "train" a lover, custom-made to be attuned to your desires. If you take the reins at first, it's likely he'll be inspired to take over more, even confide what sexual scenarios lurk in HIS mind. As sex becomes more satisfying, you'll be fulfilled, rather than craving it all the time. Your fantasies will drift into their proper place, as wonderful indulgences. You love each other. You've made a commitment. You've got what so many out there are looking for, right next to you. Learn together how best to enjoy that.
Suggested Reading: 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex: Secret Sealed Seductions for Fun-Loving Couples by Laura Corn. Caveat: some scenarios may be expensive/time-consuming/silly. In that case, improvise!