George W. Bush announced invasion plans for Switzerland during his weekly radio address to the nation. The campaign is tentatively named Operation Heidi Heave-Ho. “Swiss bank accounts are a way for al-Qaeda and other foreign terrorist organizations to launder their money,” the President said. “This makes it hard for us to track their sources of funding, and enables our enemies to plan attacks against us. The link to Switzerland is as clear as the Iraq-al Qaeda link. The fact that we have no evidence whatsoever to back this up proves how closely the Swiss banks and al-Qaeda are working together.”
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld blasted the nation’s perpetual neutrality. “We’ve said it before — either you’re for us or for the terrorists,” said Rumsfeld. “Switzerland has refused to join us in the War on Terrorism, so they have sided with the terrorists and will be dealt with accordingly.”
Rumsfeld noted the nation has been neutral since the 1500s. “In World War One, the Swiss people remained neutral,” he said. “In World War Two, when Nazi tyranny and Mussolini’s fascism were literally the country ’s neighbors, Switzerland remained neutral. The nation has a history of doing nothing but remaining neutral in a time of war, and in doing so, sides with the enemy. Who knows what connections the refugees who flee there have?”
The Capitol cafeteria has renamed its popular Ham and Swiss melt “Ham and Liberty Cheese Melt.” Many Americans have taken to calling their Swiss Army knives “Freedom Army knives.” Many have boycotted a certain type of hot chocolate mix as well. Bush also raised concerns about the elusive Swiss Army. “It’s easy to find a Freedom Army knife here in America,” said Bush. “If that’s their surplus, exactly how many people are in their military?” Rumsfeld agreed. “The knives are designed suspiciously,” he said. “A corkscrew, a wire cutter, a nail file, a saw … who knows what kind of evil the terrorists can carry out with those so-called blades?”
Bush said that despite a heavy UN presence in Geneva, no weapons of mass destruction have been found. “They’re obviously hiding them somewhere,” he said. “Perhaps in a hollowed-out mountain base, or a cleverly disguised chalet.” Bush said he is confident the American troops will be welcomed as liberators.
“We will free the Swiss people from their government, which is friendly to terrorists, and install a functioning democracy to serve as a light to the liberal socialist nations in Europe, such as France. The Swiss people and the American military will work together to rebuild the country into a modern, pro-American nation. We are confident of Operation Heidi Heave-Ho’s success.” Switzerland’s tourism and chocolate industries will help pay for its liberation and subsequent occupation.