"Mr. Goodell. MR. GOODELL! Please wake up, sir. The Indianapolis Colts have made their selection and you need to need to go announce it to the world. Here's the card."
Groggy following 26 trips to and from the podium and his vision blurred after hours looking at the blinding shine coming off Mel Kiper Jr.'s hair, the NFL commissioner sleepwalks to center stage at New York's Radio City Music Hall.
"With the 27th pick of the 2009 NFL Draft, the Indianapolis Colts select Curtis Painter . . . quarterback . . . Purdue University."
OK, so that's a reach. Admit it, though, it got your attention. Maybe even tempted you to post your season tickets on eBay. Now let's set aside the ridiculous and attempt to figure out the player(s) currently in Bill Polian's wheelhouse for the draft, which takes place Saturday and Sunday.
Indianapolis needs, in order of importance, a starting defensive tackle and a wide receiver to fill the void left by the departure of future Hall of Famer Marvin Harrison. Best-case scenario would be if the Colts could nab 6-3, 295-pound Mississippi standout Peria Jerry at 27 and then turn around and pluck Florida Gators fleet phenom Percy Harvin at No. 61.
Probably won't happen. Harvin in all likelihood will be off the board by then, which leaves Indy looking at the likes of receivers Kenny Britt (Rutgers), Brian Robiskie (Ohio State), Derrick Williams (Penn State) and Patrick Turner (USC). Polian historically has leaned toward players from the Big Ten Conference, so don't be surprised to see Robiskie or Williams a Colt in a matter of days.
First things first. Indianapolis needs a defensive stopper and pronto.
PARTING SHOT: If cats have nine lives, Isiah Thomas is a walking kennel. No matter the distance involved in the drop, the guy always lands on his feet, another supposed feline trait.
Last week introduced as the new men's basketball coach at Miami-based Florida International University, Thomas, 48 (his age and the number of disastrous business decisions he's made), has once again surfaced as a hoops savior, though his list of employers takes on the appearance of an inverted pyramid.
At this rate, in five years the former Indiana University star will be selling pecan logs to truckers at a Stuckey's somewhere in Georgia.
"Hey, aren't you . . ."
"Yes, would you like to try a box of pralines?"
No doubt Thomas was one of the best point guards ever to no-look a bounce pass, but that doesn't necessarily qualify him as coaching material. Fortunately, FIU's standards are so dismally low following two straight 20-loss seasons that anything looks good.
However, I'm going against the grain on this one and predicting Thomas samples enough success to become attractive to larger, more-established programs. Then the kid from the tough streets of Chicago will return home and attempt to return the DePaul Blue Demons to prominence.
Stuckey's can wait.