Shellacking the city 

Dahlings! Ha

Dahlings! Haven"t I just been busy busy busy! After a small, but highly enlightening sabbatical, I am returned, refreshed and virtually rehabilitated! Many thanks to the lovely folks at Our Lady of the Perpetually Bewildered - you know who you are! The astonishing things they can do with electricity these days! But I know my duty, my "community service," as it were. So back I am! Well, what have we missed? Stahlings, dahlings! So the little devils have been ruffling our city fathers" feathers. What to do? God forbid a member of the National Association of Life Underwriters should be sauntering through our fine city between actuarial meetings and suddenly find himself covered in guano! Nasty, yes. But just think how many Indianapolis logo umbrellas we could sell! Consider, however, if, say, a member of the Promise Keepers should be quietly slipping out of the Red Garter one evening and suddenly - heavens! He"s whacked on the noggin by a dying bird! Are we really ready to become the country"s center for such religious epiphanies? Think hard, city fathers. Oh, the new license plates - flat, boring, cheap, with a stupid Web site address. Kind of how others think of our fair state. What were you thinking? And during this winter of malcontent, we wait for yet another war-to-end-all-wars, worry ourselves sick over terrorist threats and lament the inability of our Democratic Party to find a candidate to replace Gov. Frank "but he"s such a nice man" O"Bannon. I understand that Lt. Gov. Joe Kernan declined because he wants to spend more time with his family. Bart Peterson, Baron Hill, John Gregg and Joe Hogsett all in turn held firmly onto their hats. It seems they all also hope to spend more time with Joe Kernan"s family. Sen. Evan Bayh, after carefully weighing the "big fish/small pond" strategy, decided to stay in Washington. Besides, he hasn"t quite finished carving his name into his senatorial seat. It seems there are only two people who have shown some slight interest. First is state Sen. Vi Simpson, who must overcome the negative assertions of her critics - that she is a "liberal," a "woman" and, most damaging of all, that she"s from "Bloomington." Horrors! Also in the running is former state and National Democratic Party chairman Joe Andrew. Mr. Andrew may be in for a bit of a battle himself because it seems that he does not actually live in Indiana - an advantage to my mind. In fact, if he"s smart, he"ll run his entire campaign from an undisclosed location. Works for Dick Cheney. Yours truly has yet another prominent Democrat in mind for governor. A representative from Gary, he"s smart, he"s tall, he"s black and he wears a gold hoop in one ear. And if these political attributes are not enough, consider that this man has the best name for a governor ever. What do you think of this: Gov. Charlie Brown? Think about it. Now that would look good on a license plate! Toodles!

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