Roberts: Hoosier Billionaires 

Indiana is expected to get $5 billion from the stimulus package - that's 833 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers per person.

There will inevitably be a long, sordid debate over how to spend the money, and it will inevitably be pissed away - if not just drunkenly dumped into Lake Michigan by Mitch Daniels in a garbage trunk, as he honks wildly and gives everyone the finger.

But I, being poor, have only my dreams. Here I lay them under your feet.

A Subway. It cost less than $1.5 billion to build the Baltimore Metro. I know what you're thinking: "Andrew, you greedy, indignant ass! We already have IndyGo!" Yes, IndyGo does offer a vast array of transit opportunities for anyone who needs to get from Maryland St. to Washington St. between the hours of 9 a.m. and 11 a.m., or who needs to hide from the cops for a couple hours.

But I've been spoiled rotten by 12 years of private school and crave a public transit system with a little less murder and a little more Lysol. Our own rail system would create a huge influx of jobs that would be needed for the next several years as it was built. Let alone the money it would ultimately save, the boost it would bring to our economy and tourism, the environmental and oil consumption solutions, and the traffic nightmares that would be averted.

We'll call that 3 billion down. 2 left.

Agh, so much money…I don't know. Give it to some teachers or hippies or something. And a copy of Home Improvement Season 3 on Blu-Ray for every man, woman and child in Indiana.

Well, shit. After a metro rail system in Indianapolis, living wages for teachers, some actual funding to make us the not-worst polluted state in the country, and a barrel full of hi-def Tool-Time laughter…that still leaves $1,862,000,000. It's like a real-life remake of Brewster's Millions.

Pay off Lucas Oil Stadium? Give the Arts Council their funding back? Buy back our toll roads? All of the above?

No! Buy C.C. Sabathia and Mark Texiera from the Yankees to play for the Indians for the next five years. And Barry Bonds, while you're at it; he's not doing anything. I will go ahead and guarantee that International League Championship, as well as Minor League record crowds on Dollar Menu Night and thousands of dollars in insurance money as fans scramble through traffic to catch home run balls on Capitol Avenue…pumping buckets of dirty money into the downtown economy.

Tread softly, you tread on my dreams.

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Andrew Roberts

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