Pie Wars 

With the recent pie

With the recent pie-throwing incidents throughout the area, the arrival of yet another conservative pundit lecturing at a local university has challenged law enforcement officials. Hal Dickwad, founder of the Americans for Enhancing Freedoms by Repressing Them, is slated to speak on Thursday evening at Wallace University, located on the city's Northwestside. According to critics, Dickwad is the man behind the Contract for Rapture, a covenant circulated among U.S. judges that encourages commitment to a "Culture of Life" in all their decision-making. Local anarchists and leftists are alarmed by Dickwad's visit. D-Edge, spokesperson for the Just Desserts Brigade, a local anarchist group, told NUVO that "Just letting this guy have a platform is tantamount to espousing his views." A Wallace University spokesperson responded, "All views are welcome at Wallace." Dickwad could not be reached for comment, but his Web site issued a statement that called into question the "true motivation of these run-amok activists. We at AEFRT believe these individuals are simply con men hawking the dessert industry in the guise of political protest." When confronted with that statement, Just Desserts' D-Edge admitted that his organization had "received some support in the past from Berrypills and Aunt Chloe [two prominent pie brands], but that was only in-kind donations of flour and whipped cream." In no way, he asserted, "are we getting any remuneration from these companies." (Spokespeople at Berrypills and Aunt Chloe declined to answer our queries.) Law enforcement officials are trying to prepare themselves for anything. Indianapolis Police Department spokesman Lt. Reed Mylips told NUVO that "We'll have a phalanx of security at the Wallace University lecture. They will be wearing police-issue bulletproof aprons, and they'll have their forks at the ready in case a pie shrapnel happens to fall on their own person." He added that the key-lime pie at last week's pie-ing incident (at Butler University) was one of "the best tasting our men have ever had," while "the persimmon pie we were assaulted with two weeks ago [at Earlham University] lacked consistency and flavor." Just Desserts' D-Edge took umbrage when told about those remarks. "Not that I have any idea what they're talking about, still, persimmon pie is best when a little on the soupy side."

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