Photos phound to be phair 

Alberto Gonzales, l

Alberto Gonzales, longtime advisor to President Bush, has been nominated to replace the outgoing attorney general, John Ashcroft. Protests have begun from various arenas, including a group from Alabama who believes that John Ashcroft was appointed by God and only God Himself can replace him. Another group contends that President Bush should only nominate someone to head up the Justice Department who lost a popular election to a dead man, as was the case with Ashcroft. The greatest opposition, however, comes from Zip Zinzzer, a photographer who claims to have evidence that Gonzales once assaulted a statue in the rotunda of the Capitol Building in Austin. One image shows Gonzales barely able to keep a leashed, vicious Rottweiler from attacking the statue. The statue itself, a tall, imperious version of the courageous Indian fighter, Cowboy Bob "Don't Mess With Texas" Gleeson, appears unperturbed by the imminent attack. In another shot, Gonzales is pointing his finger at the stone temple of the statue, in the manner of holding a gun to its head. In another, Gonzales is attaching what appears to be jumper cables to the groin area of Cowboy Bob Gleeson. The images, in fact, so obviously portray Gonzales performing this series of strange acts upon the statue that a press conference was hastily called this morning. "Yes, that was me," Gonzales told the assembled reporters. "I was in fact demonstrating for my colleagues the proper use of information-elicitation practices. There was some confusion at that time and rather than issue some silly memo that would be sent around to reporters and make a goof of things, I rummaged around my garage and found the items to simply demonstrate, in a real world kind of manner, tactics for law enforcement to get the kind of information from apprehendees that can end up saving lives." President Bush, standing by, told reporters that "This is the kind of hands-on, clear and concise leadership that I expect from my attorney general. Gonzales says what he does and does what he says. And America's safer for it." As is the case now with the necessity of moving on from the election and healing, reporters declined to ask any follow-up questions. In the meantime, Zip Zinzzer is being held without bond or charge for an undetermined amount of time at an undetermined location.

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