Objective, courageous journalism 

Oh, nuts

Oh, nuts
In this tumultuous time, when the hallowed halls of corporate sanctity are showing the deep cracks of greed and self-aggrandizement, it"s increasingly difficult to find civic watchdogs and other officials who don"t have to recuse themselves from investigating potential fraud.
Conversely, the recent news that entertainment and communication giant AOL Time Warner has fallen prey to scrutiny raised an important, if vital, question. What entity could possibly report upon the investigation and subsequent findings in an objective manner, given that AOL Time Warner owns virtually every newspaper, radio station and TV station in the country, along with various, assorted potholes along the information highway? (It should be noted at this time in all fairness and disclosure that this paper is also owned by AOL Time Warner, which bought out our previous parent company, Novarith, Inc., in a hostile but not unfair takeover last year. Novarith, Inc., as some of you who give a flying shit about these arcane details may remember, bought this company from Publisher Neil Diddleedee the previous year. Anywho ...) However, after a search across the country that included both Internet surfing, real surfing and actually getting in a car and driving aimlessly around, we found the editor/publisher of a neighborhood newsletter that we thought might have that fine combination of journalistic chutzpah and dyed-in-the-wool American can-do individuality. Introducing: Ralph Moreorless, editor/publisher/staff writer/ad exec for the Little Ripple Times (LRT). We caught up with Ralph yesterday whilst he was doing yard work to see if he would be willing to take on the responsibility of investigating the AOL Time Warner scandal, along with its potential efforts to squelch all communications related to it, given, again, that AOL Time Warner owns the universe of language and fiber optics. Ralph, however, seemed unaware of the existence of AOL Time Warner and the Securities and Exchange Commission. Nor had he ever heard of NUVO. In fact, he referred to people in the media as "a bunch of freakin" buttmunches," and encouraged us to leave him alone or he promised to "scythe your nuts and fingers off with my grim reaper weed whacker." We backed off, dude, because nothing is more important to us than our nuts and our digits because where would be without them, right? I mean, aren"t our nuts and digits more important than anything, even more important than whether somebody in a corporate suite fudges a few numbers and comes out looking bright as a new bag o" dimes? Look forward to communications from Ralph Moreorless, unless of course he remains unwilling to talk to us, in which case we"ll just have to make crap up to fill this space all over again.

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